morbidly obtuse

a size 14 :(

2011-10-28T16:33:00.000-07:00

It's official, I'm a size 14 again. I'm weighing in at 208 these days. It's a total bummer! BUT, I think I've found my problem! My one and only coping mechanism as always been eating. Going back to school, and working two jobs, I'm always stressed out, so I'm overeating. Not only that, but I'm making really poor choices! So, I'm gonna stock up on carrots and bell peppers and celery and apples!

Insanity

2011-08-26T08:18:00.000-07:00

I've been gone a LONG time! Yikes! A lot has happened since I've blogged. I've gained some weight (sad face) , I got divorced (another sad face), and not I'm going back to school! (Yay face!)

I'm thinking I need to get back into the habit of blogging. It made me accountable to myself at the end of the day. I got down to a size 8, and I was comfortable there. I'm now back into 12's and they're getting tight! I know it does NOT help that I work fast food, but I am in school and hoping to rectify that situation soon. I'm going into nursing and hoping to end up in a career as an LPN. I'll be too busy to snack all day. Right now I'm trying to figure out how I can afford to go to school full time, so I can get out of working fast food as soon as possible. I also need to look into learning a new coping mechanism. When I'm mad, I eat. When I'm stressed, I eat. It's not a good cycle for a single mom, with four kids, that's working and going to school.

I've already made the first step by backing off soda again. I let myself get hopelessly addicted to diet coke again, but I've slowed down, a lot lately. I spent about a week without pop to break the craving, and I limit myself to one a day now. Next, I need to figure out how to move more. I know I'm not getting enough exercise to lose weight. I need to find some me time and get sweaty everyday! I'm working on controlling my portions again too. I'm not very good at dieting, I don't know why, but being ON A DIET makes me hungry! But I am also working on eating less at each setting. I'm telling myself, again, that it's okay to leave food on my plate when I'm done. I guess it's a blessing to have a 12 year old boy that's a bottomless pit? He'll eat mom's leftovers in a heartbeat! Ha ha. They're small steps, and I don't want to take them all too fast, because I'm worried that I'll get overwhelmed and give up. I want to lose about 30 or 40 pounds. That will put me back where I felt great, and looked okay to.

I missed my blog, and I'm hoping to post more regularly now.
Wish me luck!

busy bee

2009-11-18T12:22:00.000-08:00

Gosh, I've been busy lately! I don't know where the time has gone! I can't believe the holidays are here! It's insane!

I had my gall bladder a few weeks ago, so I'm feeling MUCH better now! The surgeon that did it knew Dr. Nelson, and he said that she did a REALLY good job on my gastric bypass. Go, Dr. Nelson! I had to call and brag to her about it. I left her a message that he'd said she was awesome.

I got transferred to another store last month, so I've been crazy busy with work. I finally got a weekend off work coming up. I get to spend some time with my kiddos, and go out with friends! Yay for me!

I lost a little more weight after the gall bladder surgery. They didn't let me eat for like 36 hours! I thought I was gonna......well maybe not die, but I was so hungry! Afterwards I felt like my pouch was brand new. I'm just now getting to where I can eat more than two or three bites at a time. Before I was hovering around 165, now I hover around 160, give or take a couple pounds. I actually saw a couple 159's! I can't remember the last time I saw number this low on the scale! I remember the 260's, but not the 160's!

So Thanksgiving is hear again, I can't wait! I love me some turkey! I think I'm gonna have two big dinners that day! Whew! I have a get together at my sisters new house that afternoon. I can't wait to see her place! (Which reminds me, I'd better be getting directions here soon!) Then, later that evening, I think I'm gonna have a get together with my friends too. Nothing too big, just some good food, and maybe play some cards or something! That's something I miss about growing up. I can remember sitting at my Mema's house and playing cards ALL day it seemed! I loved playing cards, still do!

Well, I'm gonna get off of here, got stuff to do, like I said, busy busy! Catch you all later, have a fantastic Thanksgiving! Sarah

looks like surgery

2009-10-16T01:07:00.000-07:00

I had my gall bladder ultrasound today. I don't know what the doctors say yet, but from what the technician said, it looks like I'm going to need to have it removed. I have multiple gallstones. She said they're small, but there are several of them. I'm not really worried about the surgery. I trust Dr. Nealson and her judgment completely. I'm just a little anxious. I'd be crazy not to be, right?

I have BSM (Basic Shift Management) class next week. Yay for me. I'm really looking forward to that! I like learning something new, and I like my job, so I'm sure I'll enjoy a few days away from the store and in a learning environment. PLUS! It'll help me get my next promotion! Yay again for me! I never imagined running my own store, and I don't reckon that's where I'm headed, but who knows? Maybe someday? I mean my store manager is awesome and he's a couple years younger than me! Maybe someday I'll run my own store, who knows? I'm looking forward to the next step though. Assistant Management, here I come.

12 mo. post op appointment

2009-09-30T13:42:00.000-07:00

My appointment went pretty well. I to get an ultrasound of my gall bladder, because Dr. Nelson thinks I might be having gall bladder attacks. Minor set back, and I trust her explicitly. I'm having the ultrasound done on the 8th, so I'll let you know the results when I do. Other than that, we're all pleased with where I am now. I feel great, this year. I added an updated photo for you guys. I haven't really lost much in the past couple months, but I am still getting smaller. Exact opposite of my first 6 week post op appointment. I'd lost a considerable amount of weight, but I was still the same size that I'd been before surgery. I'm still twenty pounds away from the goal that Dr. Nelson set for m, but I've made the goals I set for myself.

This is Erica, Dr. Nelson's PA, and I on the 28th. (left) Erica is the nicest person. She's so encouraging and sweet! She always so happy to see you! This is Dr. Nelson, my surgeon, and I. (right) I love Dr. Nelson, she gave me back my life. Gave my kids back their mom. Thank you guys! You two are the best!

I've been watching this season's biggest loser. I love that show, I used to want to be on it! The whole being on camera in a sports bra and spandex short though....just thinking about it made me want to throw up! I don't think I could have done that! Kuddos to the women brave enough to inspire us all! It's inspired me to get my stationary bike out. I should exercise more than I do, it's just hard to find the time. I work nights, sleep while my kids are in school, and help them with homework and spend time with them for a couple hours before I have to head out for work. My bike is something I can do while I watch TV, because it's super quiet. Now if I could figure out how to do that, and be online at the same time, ha ha ha! The only problem I have is after a few minutes the seat becomes extremely uncomfortable! It didn't used to be that way, but I guess I'm missing some padding back there that I used to have. I don't know what I can do, if anything, to make the seat more comfortable. I need to try padding it, or something. Anyone got any ideas? I'm thinking, or hoping, that on my days off it might be nice to go on a walk with the kids after dinner. It's starting to get chilly here at night already. It's usually still pretty warm this time of year. I know Halloween's gonna be really cold!

I am having some qualms about exercising though. I know they're probably silly. I'm just about where I want to be size wise. I wouldn't be bothered by losing one more size, but I don't want to get smaller than a size 6. Personally my goal was somewhere between a 6 and a 10. Right now I'm a size 8. I'm afraid of losing too much. I don't want to lose so much that I don't look or feel healthy. I can't wrap my mind around a size 4. I'm happy where I'm at now. I know the importance of exercise and I want to be fit. How to I exercise and get fit without losing too much more?

Those are my thoughts for today. That's what's going on with me! Hope everyone is enjoying their week!

sick and tired of being sick and tired

2009-09-22T16:29:00.000-07:00

Well I broke down and went to the doctor today. I threw up last night, and I HATE throwing up. I had to admit defeat and call the MD up. I started having some major issues with my allergies about two weeks ago. They were whooping my butt, I'm not gonna lie. I tried an OTC antihistamine, but all that did was make me sleepy. Well Dr. McCauley says I've worked it up to bronchitis, yay. The first time I ever had bronchitis, my Mom and I got it together, and man we were both sick bad. Heck, if I remember right it may have been near pneumonia for her. I just remember being miserable. I had a pretty bad bout with it while I was pregnant the first time. I think I fought with it about this time every year when I was in high school, but I hadn't had it in awhile. Things are a little different now though. I have kids now, and I work fast food....can't have everyone getting sick. Bronchitis isn't really contagious, thank goodness, but I thought I'd better make sure, and after throwing up last night I figured I'd better make sure that's all it was. They swabbed me for the flu, of course....you know, doing their job and all that jazz. I was unpleasantly surprised by how UNCOMFORTABLE that actually was! The little do-hickey they swabbed my nose with hurt, even made my nose bleed a tiny bit. Thank goodness that came back negative though! I don't want the flu, and I don't want my babies to get sick.

Whilst I was there, I decided to check on my referral to OU plastics. One of Dr. McCauley's nurses called several weeks ago to let me know that she had put the referral in, and they should be calling me within a week. I never actually got that phone call, so they're going to call tomorrow and see if we can't get me an appointment soon. I don't know when I'm looking at doing it though. With the holidays coming home I can't exactly take a bunch of time off work. I don't even know how much time off a boob job, or a tummy tuck would require. I'm sure the latter would require more recoop time than the first? I don't know. Paul will be home on leave for nearly all of December, so maybe if I do it early in the month I'll have some time before Christmas hits? Not a lot going on here, other than that. Just working my tail end off and got me some meds to help me get over being sick.

Hope everyone else is doing okay! Kisses! (No wait, with me being sick that might be a bad idea.) How about a hand shake and pass the Germ-X!

I'm BAAAAAAAAAAAACCKKKK!!!!

2009-09-15T17:37:00.000-07:00

I'm down about ten more pounds since my last post! YAY, go me! I'm going to be a year post op tomorrow. I can't believe it's gone by so fast, and with hardly any set backs! It's been a bumpy road, and a lot as happened this year, but as far as the surgery front goes, it's been smooth sailing.

a look back......

A year ago today I weighed nearly 300 pounds! I was struggling to zip up my size 22 pants, and no matter how big my shirts were, I was never quite comfortable. I could hardly do anything without being short of breath, and I couldn't even begin to keep up with the pace of my kids! My solution was Dr. Lana Nealson of Oklahoma Weight Loss Options (OWLO). I contacted my health insurance company to find out what I had to do to get them to cover the cost of my surgery, and to find a surgeon that accepted my insurance. I called, set up my first appointment and went to my seminar. I learned that it was going to be a change that I would have to commit to, something I would need to do for the rest of my life. There's a lot more to it than surgery, and eating right afterwards. There are rules to follow, supplements to take, vitamins that are needed. I went to a few support groups, and learned a lot. The couple months between my first appointment and my surgery flew by. I began to see the life I could have, the one that was waiting for me. I won't go as far to say that Dr. Nealson saved my life. I could have gone on for quite awhile just the way I was. Dr. Nealson did something much more for me, she gave me my life back. The only thing worse that losing life, is to watch it pass you by.

I still look in the mirror, and don't particularly like what I see. But now I can go shopping, and the clothes fit, so they're too big. I actually squeezed into a pair of size 8 blue jeans a couple weeks ago. I'm a size 10, and the fit perfectly, if not a bit too big. I can run a mile, and while I still sweat my butt off, I don't feel faint at the end of it, I'm not out of breath. I can keep up with my kids now. I can chase them around the back yard, and swim all day at the lake. My blood pressure is fixed, and I've lost a total of 133 pounds today. I still yo yo back and forth about five pounds. I got down to 161 at one point. I've learned what I can and can't eat. I've learned that moderation is better than denying myself all the treats all the time. Things are better now than they've been in a very long time.

I'm starting to look into plastic surgery now. I've got a bit of that excess skin going on. It's mostly around my gut. It's the hardest part to lose, well I lost it, but it's still there, just not fun to look at. I'd also like to get my breast fixed, they've deflated and they're pretty gross too. The final thing I'd like to get done is my arms. I've got the bat flaps going on, and if strength training doesn't help them I'd like to get that taken care of too.

Today, I'm as happy as I could have ever expected to be. My surgery has changed my life in ways I never imagined possible! My children are happier and healther for the changes I've made, and the changes that have happened in the past year. Thank you Dr. Nealson, you are truely a god send. Thank you OWLO, for teaching me everything I'd need to know, and not letting me walk blindly into the rest of my life. Thank you Mom, for holding my hand, while I got this done. I couldn't have done this without you! And a special thanks to my babies. I would have never saw a reason to fix me, if it hadn't been for them. Today, I'm looking forward to the rest of my life. I see a future there, I never saw before.

stuck, but still moving

2009-05-19T08:19:00.000-07:00

I'm stuck again, as far as weightloss goes. I've been fluttering between 176 and 174. This is still less than I weighed back in highschool, where I was 181! I haven't really done anything to fix this. I don't know why, maybe because I've been working so much lately. My gym membership has lapsed, because I just don't have the time to go anymore. I don't have the energy to go anymore. I got promoted at work, and now I run around all day like a chicken with my head cut off! However, I'm still moving. I recently went down another size, despite the stand still on the scales. I was shocked when I fit into a size 12. Which, as we all know is the high end of my goal range. So imagine my surprise, when I hadn't lost anything more, but the size 12 shorts I was going to buy were too big! I tried on the 10's and they fit PERFECTLY! I ran out of the dressing room to try on a completely different pair of 10's, just to make sure it wasn't a fluke!

I'm totally looking forward to this summer! I got a cute swimsuit, so I can gaurantee I'll be at the lake with the kiddos all the time! We have a zoofriends membership, so we'll be there a lot too! I'm gonna start taking the time to take my lunch to work too. I think it's all the McDonald's crap I've been eating that's got me stuck at 175. Not that I'm complaining. I mean OWLO taught me the right way to do things, I just haven't been doing them lately. Maybe I'm scared? A size 10 is in the middle of my goal range. What happens when I get down to the small end of that range? I always said I didn't want to be smaller than an 8, and definately no smaller than a 6! What if I get down there? Yikes!

Anyway, so new things on my mind too, I've been starting to think about the cosmetic surgery option that some post op's take. OWLO recommends waiting 18 months, says that your skin can "catch up" to your weight loss, it just takes time. But I can't help but want to do this soon. I have bat flaps under my arms that I'm not fond of. My boobs have completely deflated, and they're NOT pretty! My stomach is covered in horrible stretch marks from my babies, and now even my thighs and butt have begun to get saggy! I know that's a lot to fix. I don't even know if it can all be done in one surgery or not! Yikes! Another surgery, or two! I find myself wondering how much more weight I'd lose after getting rid of some excess skin I've got going on. I don't have a whole lot, but it'd sure be nice if I could get it gone. Have any of you had cosmetic surgery? What did you have done? How long were you down for? Any tips for finding a great surgeon? I think I'm gonna start looking into that now. I know I'm only 8 months post op, and I still have roughly 30 pounds to lose, but I know at least half of that is sking at this point. I'm thinking about starting my search now, and working on the health insurance approval, and getting it done early this fall, as I hit my 1 year bypass anniversary!

Well those are my thoughts as of now. I'm totally gonna post a new picture soon, so stay tuned folks! Love you guys, and hope you're all doing well! Sarah

No longer obese

2009-04-11T05:54:00.000-07:00

I've hit that magic number, which for me is 179. According to the BMI scale I am no longer considered obese! This is a big BIG deal for me. Even before I got "fat" I weighed just enough that my BMI classified me as obese. Well Sarah is no longer obese! I'm just simply overweight now. I've got to lose 29 pounds to fix that. 29 more pounds and I'll be what's considered healthy for my height. I've only got 34 pounds to go to reach my goal. I'm starting to see why some women can obsess over those last 5 pounds now. One stinking pound was the difference between overweight and obese for me. I don't really get it, but I'm glad I'm no longer classified as super overweight. It's crazy to think that just a few short months ago I was "super duper" overweight.

That's my update. Hope you all are doing well! Take care, Sarah

slowly yet surely

2009-04-06T19:02:00.000-07:00

Needless to say the weightloss has started to crawl off now, instead of melt off. I joined the gym, but I've been working so much lately, that I haven't been in nearly a week! I'm horrible I know! I'm going in the morning though. I was going with a girl from work named Jennifer. She hasn't been in awhile either though. We're both going in the morning though. We would have gone tonight, and I would have liked to, but my babysitter had a dentist appointment, so I couldn't make it. The weight is still coming off, just slowly now. I'm down 114 pounds, go me!

I learned last week at the gym that I can very nearly run a quarter mile without stopping. When I'm actually able to accomplish that, I just know I'll feel great. Then of course I'll have to work up to a half mile! I told my husband that I'd like to be physically fit enough to pass a military PT test. I'm sure I'll get there, but it'll take work, and lots of it. I still don't know that I'd be able to do a push up, not a REAL push up anyway.

That's the Sarah update. I hope everyone else is doing well! Take care!

Joined a gym

2009-03-26T09:50:00.000-07:00

I've always wanted to join a gym, and I know I should have months ago, but I finally got around to it yesterday morning. I went and joined before I went to work, and then I went yesterday after dinner, and again this morning before work! One of the girls I work with has been going and she goes in the morning, so I'm really excited to have a buddy to go run on the treadmill with! I did 45 minutes on the treadmill yesterday, did a mile this morning, and then did a few of the weight machines. I couldn't find the one for your abs last night, but I found it this morning. I'm gonna be using that one super a lot! That's the part I don't like the most right now. And I'm hoping that I can get my arms into shape and get rid of the bat flaps I have going on. I don't reckon they're too bad, but they're bad enough to bother me, so it's time to get that all taken care of.

In the way of an update: I've lost 111 pounds now! I have 39 to go to reach my goal! YAY!

Take care, love you guys, you're the bestest! Sarah

40 pounds to go

2009-03-24T18:52:00.000-07:00

I only have 40 pounds to go before I hit my goal of 150 pounds to lose, or to weigh about 145! That's completely insane! I can remember when I figured I needed to lose 40 pounds to be healthy. I doesn't seem like that long ago! I can't believe I've lost 110 pounds in the past 6 1/2 months! It's like a dream, a dream come true. Thank you Dr. Nelson and OWLO! You gave me back my life!

Hitting Goals Now!

2009-03-07T18:48:00.001-08:00

I never really had so much of a weight goal as I did a size goal. I mean, when I was in highschool, I weighed 180 pounds but I was solid, and I was muscle, and I was a size 14. I set my size goal between a size 8 and a size 12. I bought some cute little capri's at WalMart the other day. Did I mention that I'm in a size 14 now? I got them home, and tried them on, and of course, they fit. BUT.....oh yes, there's a but, and the good kind too! I have to wear a belt, cause they're too big around the waist, kinda. So the next time I was at WalMart, I found the same ones in a 12, and tride them on, and OMG they fit! I'm IN my size goal range! That's crazy! Anyway, it's really exciting! I'm hoping to be down to at least a 10, if not an 8, the next time I see Paul! He's getting R&R, we found out! I can't wait to see him again! They're trying to push his dates a bit, so he can come home before the kids start school again next fall. I'm reaching goals now, 6 mo. post op! This is insane! Awesome, but insane!

weighed in a day early!

2009-02-26T05:23:00.000-08:00

I usually weigh in on Fridays, but sometimes I cheat, just to see where I am. Well I cheating last week and snuck a peek on Tuesday. Since the scale hadn't moved from last Tuesday to last Friday, I didn't write it down. Well my calendar was getting lonely so I weighed in a day early this week.

OMG, I'm down 107 pounds! I weighed in at 188 this morning! I haven't seen that since highschool! Holy Cow! Go Sarah!

Sweet Indulgence!

2009-02-25T17:37:00.000-08:00

OMG, I looked today, and did you know that Sara Lee's plain frozen cheesecake bites have about a gram of sugar per bite!?!?! Me either, I totally bought some, took them home, and ate two! Is that cheating?

Hope you're all having a fabulous week! Sarah

hit the 100 pound mark!

2009-02-23T21:45:00.000-08:00

I've hit, and passed, the 100 pound weight loss mark! Go me, yay! I've lost 102 pounds as of last Friday! I'm in a size 14/16 now. I'm super excited. I started out at 295 pounds and I'm currently down to 193 pounds! I'm posting pictures, finally. You've been asking for them, so I'm posting some. I hope you're all doing well, and I'm hoping to be online more often now that I have the internet again!

it's a love hate relationship

2009-01-19T08:43:00.000-08:00

First, I'm loving my surgery! I've lost 90 pounds now! I don't SEE the difference, when I look in the mirror, but I'm in a misses size 16 now, which is stinking awesome. I look in the mirror and still see the fat chick busting out of her 22's.

Then, I'm hating my surgery. Less than half a dozen times I've gotten mad because I WANT to eat! It was a coping skill for me before surgery. So, when I'm stressed or upset, I WANT to eat. I don't because I know I can't. But a couple days ago I sat in my truck at Sonic and got rather ticked off because I couldn't order what I wanted. Instead I settled for snagging one of my friend's cheese sticks and pretending to be happy.

Anyway, things are going great. I've lost a BUNCH of weight, and I can shop on the misses side of the store again. Which happened to be one of my major goals with surgery. I hold up the size 16's I can wear now and still amazes me that something so small fits over my butt!

That's where I am now. My head has caught up to my stomach, but it hasn't caught up with the weight loss! Anyone have any idea when that might happen?

Miss you guys, hope all is well! Sarah

Sorry I've been gone!

2008-11-25T06:56:00.000-08:00

Sorry I've been gone, my phone line's been down! This is the third time it's happened. I don't know what's going on with it.

That's all besides the point though. I got a job! Nothing special, but it keeps me on my feet 8 hours a day! My weightloss has picked back up.....BIG TIME.....since I started working! I'm really excited!

I weighed in today at 233! I'm down 62 pounds!

Today also marks my 9 week post-op!

So......GO ME!

Hope everyone is well! Sarah

100th post!

2008-11-18T18:01:00.000-08:00

Wow, this is my 100th post!

I'm kinda in my second slump I guess. I seem to be stuck between sizes still, and I'm holding at a weight loss of 53 pounds. I'm starting my new job tomorrow though. I'll be on my feet 8 hours a day, does that qualify as exercise you think? I'm really excited about it. I finally feel more like myself. I don't want to just sleep all day.

My nutritionist called the other day. I had a really low protein lab and my potassium levels were a little low. They want me to get in 110 grams of protein a day, which sad to say, is NOT going to happen! I can't stomach those meal replacements anymore! I have to do Atkins and they don't taste too good to me either! Their bars are pretty good though!

Anyway, that's where I'm at now. Sorry I haven't been on much lately. It's been crazy busy around here! Love you guys, hope everyone else is doing well too! Sarah

Catching up!

2008-11-05T09:32:00.000-08:00

I haven't posted in awhile, so I thought I'd catch up.

I thought was I was doing pretty good. Went to the doctor on the 27th, got my first B12 shot. Dr. Nealson was happy with the way things were going and I felt good. Still tired all the time, but I felt okay.

The 28th, I started to go off food and liquids. Nothing tasted good, nothing sounded good.

The 30th, I took a sip of water and dry heaved until it came back up. I hate throwing up, and dry heaving is just as bad! So I didn't really try to eat or drink anymore that day.

The 31st, I was getting gas, got me an ice water, sucked on a couple ice cubes. I felt good enough to brave a sip was water, til it came back up too. I called the doctor office and was told to go to the ER immediately. I tried to talk them out of it, but they weren't having it. So, I spent Friday night in the hospital. Got some anti-nausea meds, some fluids, and some vitamins.

Yesterday I was cleared to use a straw again. Apparently when I sip, I suck down way too much air, and that's most of the reason I never got very good at getting down my liquids. It was making me too uncomfortable!

Today I feel pretty good. I've got a little headache going on, so I might try a nap in a bit.....if my twins allow it, ha ha ha.

That's what's been going on here. Sorry I haven't updated in a bit, just been busy I guess! Sarah

Down 50!

2008-10-29T12:05:00.000-07:00

I'm down 50 pounds this morning, and finally zipped up a pair of 20's today too! Things are looking up!

Now if only I could eat something!

UNDER 250!

2008-10-25T08:49:00.000-07:00

I weighed in this morning, and for the first time in a long while I weighed in under 250! I'm totally impressed!

I'm still a little freaked out about not going down a dress size in pants though. I really really hope that I'm not doomed to have my big butt forever! Wouldn't that look funny? Lose everything extra except the hips and butt! Yikes!

Anyway, 1.4 more points shaved off my BMI and I won't be considered morbidly obese anymore! Go Me! It's all very exciting!

Well I reached a milestone today, and wanted everyone to know! Hope you all enjoy your weekend!

Sarah

Big Moment!

2008-10-21T21:38:00.000-07:00

I couldn't help myself today, I had to have a diet coke! I've haven't had one since before my surgery, and I used to be totally addicted. I'd rather drink a diet coke than anything on earth! I took a sip today, and it was gross! It tasted like diet! BARF!!!

It's always tasted so yummy to me! If you're thinking your tastes won't change after surgery, I'm living proof that they do!

Finally coming out of my slump!

2008-10-21T21:27:00.001-07:00

I'm finally losing again! I'm up to 41 pounds today! I'm still a little frustrated with the clothing situation. I started out in a size 22. 41 pounds later, I'm STILL in a 22! They're hanging off of me now, and I don't like the way they look on me, but nothing else I have fits yet! None of my 20's fit! I can finally get them up over my butt, so maybe soon, but there's no way I could begin to button them. But my 22's are falling off of me! What's up with that? I've got this cute little outfit that I've never worn before, that I'm hoping I can get into for Thanksgiving. I bought it while I was pregnant with the twins, but they were born in the summer. So, it was shipped to Germany, and by then I'd gained weight and couldn't wear it. It's really really cute! I could probably pull off the top already, but in my frumpy old baggy jeans it makes my butt look bigger than it ever did!

Anyway, that's where I'm at now. 41 pounds down, 109 to go! Wanna take bets on when I'll hit my mark? Ha ha ha ha!

Take care and enjoy your week! Sarah

Still not losing

2008-10-15T08:38:00.000-07:00

I'm still in my rut. I haven't been able to get down my fluids the past few days now. I did better last night than I've done all week. It's keeping me tired! I seem to have a bigger problem with the bottled water than I do with the tap water. I like my water ice cold, or I can't drink it. My stomach tends to disagree though. It's saying, ugh, does it have to be so cold!?

I know I should up my protein, and fight to get my water intake up, but I've been so exhausted this week! I'm thinking about giving my meal replacements another shot. I don't really WANT to, but I know I should.

On the up side my brother's birthday was Monday, same day I started soft foods! I ate a few bites of a baked pork chop, and a couple green beans and did just fine, til I took a sip of water afterwards. I still haven't thrown up, but I've felt like it a couple times now. Anyway, it seems that I can eat just fine.....just can't eat much! I'm having a much harder time with my liquids. I really like water, and I was doing so well there for awhile! I know for about a week I was getting in my water, no problem. I always had some with me, and I drink it....finally.....instead of sip it. I was so excited, now it's more like the week I got home. I'd rather sleep than drink water, and when I do, it doesn't feel good!

Any ideas people? Any help?

My first snag

2008-10-09T09:51:00.000-07:00

They told us that about three weeks after surgery that our weight loss would slow or even seem to stop. It's basically our bodies entering starvation mode. I'm there, or at least I think I'm there. I've lost quite a bit of weight, but not seeing the scale move down, or even worse, seeing it go up a pound is a little frustrating. I don't write down my weight on those days, ha ha. I weigh myself every morning, and if my weight has stayed the same or gone up a pound, I don't write it on the calendar. But I do record weight loss! I have noticed, when I get a decent nights sleep, and I drink enough water that it does tend to go down every day, even if it's only a few ounces.

Anyway, I was wondering if anyone knew how long this lull in weight loss lasted. I'll have a good day and drop a couple pounds and then it goes up and down a pound, and then stays there for a day. I try not to focus on days where I don't lose anything, or days when I gain a pound. I know it's coming off, and fast! I've lost 25 pounds since my surgery, for a total of 36 pounds since I first saw my surgeon! It's amazing!

The other problem I'm having is I seem to be in between sizes now. All my old 22's are getting baggy and lose, but I still can't get any of my 20's up over my butt! Did anyone else have these issues? I guess it's time to invest in that belt now huh? My favorite pants are way too big, so I reckon it's about time to give them away, which is kinda exciting!

Anyway, that's where I stand now! I've lost 36 pounds, and I'm really excited about it. My Mom keeps telling me it's just gonna melt off me, and I have to say she's right. I had a friend, in Germany, that was a size 11 and kept going on about how fat she was. (I hate people like that, ha ha) I don't think you should be allowed to call yourself fat unless you wear plus size clothing, and even then it's debatable, lmao. Anyway, I used to grab my two biggest fat rolls and tell her, THAT was fat. I think that's where my 36 pounds have come from. I think I've lost a little bit in the waist, but I can't grab those fat rolls like I used to could! Which is FINE by me!

Alright, well that's my ramblings for the day, hope everyone enjoys their weekend! Sarah

Cheating and weight loss

2008-10-06T12:05:00.000-07:00

I've lost a total of 33 pounds now! Woot woot!

I have totally been cheating though! I've learned, as long as I eat something healthy, that I can eat just about whatever I want. I just have to chew it to oblivion first! I can't much either, but it is nice to be able to eat something! I had a tiny piece of frozen pizza last night. I picked off all the meat toppings, so it was like toast with marinara and cheese on it. It took me probably a half hour to eat, but I didn't have any issues with it at all! Today for lunch, I had about a quarter of a grilled cheese. Again no problems. I've noticed my first stall a few days ago. I was losing about a half pound a day, instead of a pound a day. Now that I'm eating actual FOOD, it's picked back up again. I lost 2 pounds yesterday!

Is it horrible that I'm eating already? I hope not! I try to make okay choices.

Anyway, that's where I'm at now. I'm 33 pounds down, and slowly getting some of my stamina back now. I still get pretty tired after a bit though.

Things are better now

2008-09-26T21:03:00.000-07:00

I did cheat, and eat some refried beans. I do make them really runny though, so maybe it's not so bad? Today I chewed up a grape, sucked on the pulp, and then spit out the rest.....yummy huh? Anyway, I did buy some Adkins drinks tonight. They're in the fridge so we'll see how those taste in the morning. I am tempted to move on to pureed foods. I was told to wait two weeks, and it's only been 10 days. With the exception of the refried beans, of course, I'm going to try to wait it out. OMG, and I found out tonight that Red Diamond makes little bottles of tea that are already sweetened with splenda! I thought I had died and gone to heaven! Red Diamond makes the best tea! I used to be totally addicted to their sweet tea! Granted I'll probably only do a few ounces a day, a couple times a week. It's still got caffine in it! *BUMMER*

Anyway, I'm feeling much better now. I did get a little ill feeling earlier, while we were at WalMart, but I came home, laid down, and sipped my gloriously wonderful tea, and felt better.

I've lost a GRAND total of 22 pounds now. I'm weighing in at 273 today! Woot woot!

And I wanted to end today with a special thanks to Suzy. Knowing that you were eating refried beans by day 5 helped me justify it at day 8! Ha ha ha. I'd be in bad shape without your advice. The Gatorade did help too! Oh, and Amber, you'd better bet your tiny tush, that I'm eating me some mashed potatoes next week!

Love you guys! Sarah
*enjoy your weekend!*

I think I need to eat!

2008-09-24T14:52:00.000-07:00

I got really dizzy today, and really really weak. Paul had to help me get in bed! I think it's cause I haven't eaten in like two days! I can't handle the meal replacements anymore. Pre-op they were okay.....not good, but okay. Now they just taste awful and I can't make myself put them in my mouth! I want food! I want a bite of cottage cheese, and I'm tempted to make myself some runny refried beans or something! I haven't thrown up or anything, but I can't eat things that are gross to me. To be honestly, I'd rather eat dirt right now than a meal replacement. It's not only the taste of them, it's the texture too! It's somewhere between runny egg whites and snot to me!

I've called a post-op friend, and she says I should do whatever it takes to get at least two meal replacements down. I know she's right, I know she is! I've tried all her suggestions, but nothing is working! I've even tried my old protein shakes, which I used to really enjoy, but those taste gross now too! I don't know what to do. If I call the doctor I'm sure she'll want me on a feeding tube or something. That's not really something I want to do! I need to get this fixed though, my husband leaves in a week!

I can't have my pureed foods for another week either! Any help would be greatly appreciated! PLEASE!!!!!

Thank you, Sarah

Has anyone noticed?

2008-09-24T07:47:00.000-07:00

I have a ticker above my blog....

I was just wondering if anyone had looked at it recently!

I'm down 21 pounds today! Woot woot!!!

I lost 2 pounds prior to my 10 day diet.

I lost 9 pounds on my 10 day diet.

I've lost 10 pounds since my surgery!

Woot woot, the melting has begun!

O-M-G!!!!

2008-09-21T09:08:00.000-07:00

I have to tell EVERYONE!

I started this journey weighing 295 pounds.

After my 10 day diet, the morning of surgery, I weighed 284 pounds.

Today I am 5 days post op, and I have broken the 280 mark!

I weighed in this morning at 279.6!

I just HAD to scream it to the world!

Hope you all enjoyed your weekend!
Sarah

Home from the hospital

2008-09-19T08:35:00.000-07:00

I'm home! I got home yesterday! Woot woot! I would have updated while I was in the hospital, but sitting up high enough to type was a little difficult.

The first night went really well. One of the ladies from my LOD yahoo group showed up to say hi. She and I have talked quite a bit, and she's one of the first people I run to if I have a silly question, or I get curious about something. Anyway, she introduced herself and asked if I'd been out of bed yet. I hadn't so she started pulling back the sheets, and unhooking stuff! She was really nice about it, and she was a BIG BIG help on getting me out of bed. When we got back she helped me get into a chair to work on my incentive sperometer. Then she helped me get back in bed and get comfy.

Then early Tuesday morning, before the night shift ended and the day shift began, I started having trouble with my pain pump. Every second time I'd push the button for meds, it would deliver between half a dose and most the dose and then just beep like crazy. My night nurse was very attentive and fixed it right away. It would work for the next dose, but beep half way through the second dose. My day nurse however wasn't so great about it. The first two times she was pretty quick to come fix it, but the third time it took her at least 45 minutes. That's 5 doses of medicine I'd missed while I waited on her! Then it seemed nearly every time I had to push my call button, it would take her at least 30 minutes to come fix it! My mom was getting frustrated with me, because I was starting to get upset about it. I found out yesterday, that even the nurse assistant that was working on the floor Wednesday was frustrated with my nurse about it! Then there was an issue with my binder that went around my stomach and helped hold it in place. I liked mine good and tight, because it helped when I walked, when I burped, when I hiccuped. It helped with the pain and all the jazz. Well my day nurse put it back on really loose! So my drain bottle fell out of it, and tugged and that was really uncomfortable! I had to call her in my room and ask her to redo it. I guess she got as annoyed with my morphine as I did, because she started my loratab a little ahead of schedule. I was so happy to get something I could call for every three hours, as opposed to my machine messing up every 15 minutes!

My doctor came in, and saw me Wednesday morning. I was in pretty bad shape because I wasn't getting my medicine, so there was talk of keeping me until Friday. But I had my pain undercontrol as of Wednesday afternoon, so yesterday I felt a WHOLE lot better. I was even able to sleep instead of just dozing off. On the morphine I would doze off for 15 to 20 minutes, then I was up for a half hour. With the loratab I took an hour and a half nap that afternoon, then slept for 6 hours that night, so when I woke up yesterday morning I was pretty sore, but 30 minutes after my loratab I was up roaming the halls, and felt much much better! Dr. Nealson saw me in the hallways, deduced that I was feeling better, and decided after visiting in my room that I could go home if that's what I wanted to do.

So, all it well, and I'm at home now. I haven't had an neusesa, everything seems to be going swimmingly! That's the update for now! Hope you all enjoy your weekend! Sarah

Tomorrow

2008-09-15T08:31:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow is the BIG day! I'm still really excited! I don't FEEL nervous, but I know I am. I haven't been able to eat much at all. I'm supposed to be on a liquids only diet right now. It hasn't been nearly as rough as I expected it to be. I have no desire to eat anything! When I do try to drink one of my replacements, or a supplement, I don't get much down before I start to get kind of nauseous.

Paul's home. It's really nice to have him around. The kids can't leave him alone! They're really enjoying him. I thought the older two would stay home from school today, but they didn't want to. I think it was more of a....I can't wait to tell all my friends that my dad's home....sorta deal.

Anyway, I'll catch up with you guys in the next day or two. Paul brought his laptop home, and the hospital has WIFI! I won't be too far away!

Wish me luck!

Paul's coming home!

2008-09-11T10:18:00.000-07:00

We finally found out today for sure! Paul's getting leave from the 14th to Oct. 2nd! It's no where near the time we'd like to have him home, but it's something! I'm so happy that we get to see him! I can't wait! He should fly in sometime Sunday he said. Three more days and I get to see him! I can't wait!

I'm a little nervous about only having help for two weeks post op though. I'm sure his grandma would take the little ones for two or three days if I still need help though. Finally, everything seems to fall into place! Only 5 more days until my surgery!

I've moved up my liquids diet. I don't seem to be losing any weight, and they told me that I SHOULD lose 3 to 5 % of my body weight on the ten day diet. I'm supposed to be on nothing but liquids starting Saturday, but I'm starting that NOW. With the exception of cottage cheese. I think I'm gonna have tomato soup for lunch, and just add some beneprotein...yum!

And, I nearly missed this, but I made an amazing find at walmart today! Everyone had been raving about the Magic Bullet. I've seen the infomercials and I've always wanted one. I've seen them at WalMart recently for $62 something. I thought, my blender works fine, I'll just stick with that. Who cares if it's a pain in the butt to wash three or four times a day? Well, today I found something just like the Magic Bullet, only the sunbeam brand! Only 35 bucks! No....wait! It's gets sooo much better than that! It was on sale! Clearance! I got mine for only 19 dollars! I'm so excited! It's just the right size!

Anyway, things are going good on my end. Hope everyone enjoys the rest of the week!
Sarah

Better today

2008-09-10T14:49:00.000-07:00

Thanks for all your encouragement yesterday. You guys really are awesome!

Today was better. I guess they forgot to send the red cross message Monday, like they said they would. I completely understand. I forget stuff ALL the time. But it got sent today. They called me and the guy was saying, that they couldn't SEND a red cross message, because the surgery was elective. He said that he didn't feel right about that, so what he would do was transfer the message from the area that covers my doctor's office to the area the covers where I live. That would give them a case number. Then Paul could have his NCO's call about that case number, and it would give them all the verified information. So, in essence, they would get the message, but they would have to call the red cross and ask for it. That's okay, but transferring the case to my area actually put it into someone else's hands. I don't know if the woman didn't know the surgery was elective, or if she just didn't realize that they shouldn't send that type of message. But she called and asked me a couple questions, then said that since she had everything she needed, she'd probably put it through within the hour! I usually talk too much, but I knew enough to say thank you and keep my mouth shut!

Right now I'm expecting him sometime Saturday. I think they would have let him take leave anyway, but there are two things I'm hoping the red cross message accomplishes. First, I'm hoping it gets him home longer. The office has requested 4 to 6 weeks. The leave they're getting to take right now is 15 days! Second, I'm hoping the military will pay for the plane ticket. They tend to do that when there's a red cross message involved. Red Cross messages are usually reserved for emergencies. I think this qualifies though, seeing how my backup plan fell through.

Now we're just hoping we can get him home in time for Austin's football game Saturday! Austin wants his Dad to watch him play football sooooo bad! It's funny, cause I talk about him all the time, and NONE of the football Mom's have ever even seen him before! I'm the woman with the imaginary husband! Ha ha ha ha! I'm so proud of him, so I feel no shame in showing him off, lmao. He's really looking forward to helping Austin out with football. Austin and I don't even know all the rules I don't think, so I'm the last person to help him out. I wish I had high speed internet! Austin's sooooo cute in his football uniform!

Anyway, hopefully we'll find out tomorrow for sure. If the message was in fact sent through red cross, if the Army's gonna pay for his ticket, and how long he'll be home on leave. Today's been better, and thanks for your kind words yesterday!

Only 6 more days! I can hardly wait!

Awful day!

2008-09-09T07:53:00.000-07:00

I've got a week left until my surgery, and I get some complicating news.

Paul said that his 1st SGT. told him, if he needs surgery on his knee again they might chapter him out! They did the same thing with his shoulder! He hurts himself, on the job, they fix it. Then they send him to the field, before he heals properly, so he can hurt it again. Then they threaten to kick him out of the Army for being broken!

The first time, like I said, it was his shoulder. It had been hurting him for YEARS, before they finally looked into it! Then he has surgery, fixes it, and then 5 weeks after his surgery they send him to the field. His physical therapist advised against it, and was livid when they actually sent him! They send him to the field to qualify on his rifle. It doesn't take a doctor or a rocket scientist to realize that firing a weapon, and it bucking against a shoulder they just fixed, is a BAD idea. I mean come on! DUH! So he messed it all up again, doing what they told him to. There was talk about chaptering him out then, but of course they're deploying, and he's too important to leave behind. So, instead of chaptering him out of the military, the deploy him, INJURED!

Well, not long after he gets back he hurts his knee doing a PT test. He goes to the doctor and finds that he tore his meniscus, so they send him for surgery and fix it. He goes to physical therapy while he's on leave healing. Two weeks after he gets back to work, they send him back to the field, he rips it again. Now they're talking about chaptering him out again!

First, it wouldn't be a bad thing, but it gets my hopes up for a "normal" life! But what really irritates me is, they've got orders to deploy again this winter. (Paul's whole company just got back from 15 months in Iraq November 2007.) I have no false hope this time. I know he'll deploy with his unit....again. That's another thing that irritates me! They decided to up deployments to 15 months to guarantee soldiers 24 months at home between deployments! This entire unit just got back 10 months ago! They're all set to deploy again this winter. That gives them 12- 14 months at home! THAT'S LESS TIME THAN THEY SPENT IN IRAQ LAST TIME!

It's frustrating! It's stressful! I can't believe they're doing this AGAIN! Of course, to add to all of that, we still don't know if they're gonna let him come home on leave and take care of me yet. Normally, I wouldn't be so worried about it. Yes, I want him home. He's absolutely my first choice! I need his help, and the kids really need to spend time with him before he deploys again! But my backup plan leaves for Flordia two days before my surgery! He's my plan, and I have no back up plan anymore. If they don't let him take leave, I'm totally screwed!

It's just been an AWFUL day so far!

day three

2008-09-08T07:03:00.000-07:00

It's day three of my 10 day diet. I usually weigh myself on Fridays. I weighed in at 293 Friday. I jumped on the scale today, just curious. They said I could expect to lose 3 to 5% of my body weight on the ten day diet. That's about 9 to 15 pounds for me! I've lost two of those so far! This morning, I weighed in at 291! 2 down, at least 7 to go before surgery! woot woot

have a great week!

Didn't do too great

2008-09-07T08:02:00.000-07:00

I cheated! I had a bite of potato salad! And, at the ballgame I was hungry, so I had a handful of almonds! I was prepared for the birthday cake and ice cream! I still managed to say no when it turned out to be strawberry cake from the bakery! I forgot there was gonna be food! If I had remembered, I would have taken something different to eat. There was pork there, I could have had that. I steered clear of the ribs and baked beans, but the potato salad was there, and it looked so good! I had two small bites! Then, I'd had my snack right after my "meal" so I got really hungry during the football game. I poured a small styrofoam cup with some almonds. I probably had 2 ounces of almonds, which is two servings!

It always works that way for me! If I eat breakfast, I'm hungry all day. I feel really bad, but I'm hoping it won't matter in the long run! I'm going to try harder today! Start with a shake for breakfast, and not mix it up to fit my schedule! I think it will be easier when I DON'T eat something real for breakfast, I think having a drink will make it easier!

I have my pre-op appointment tomorrow! Only 9 more days til I join the "losing side"! I'm so excited!

Send me all your willpower!

2008-09-06T05:54:00.001-07:00

I'm down to 10 days! Woot woot! I have to start my 10 day diet today. I need you all to send me all your willpower, because I also have my nieces first birthday party to attend today! Yikes! It really shouldn't be a big deal. I'm fairly confident that I'll be able to stick to my protein shake while everyone else is having cake and ice cream. Lucky for me it's on the first day of my diet and not the 5 or 6th! My willpower seems to dissolve as time goes on.

Then after that, I have to drive back (it's a two hour drive down there) for Austin's first football game! That's exciting! But, I just KNOW they're gonna have diet coke and chips and all that good football game food I can't have. I weaseled my way out of working the concession stand though, so again, I should be okay!

But just in case I'm tempted. Send me good thoughts today! Ha ha! Hope everyone has a fantastic weekend!

Oh NO! My first nervous moment!

2008-09-05T12:30:00.000-07:00

I had my first nervous about surgery moment yesterday afternoon. I was at my post-op orientation, and the lady there was talking about all the stuff you'll have on you when you wake up. I was still super psyched, but somewhere in the back of my head was nervousness. My stomach must have agreed with that little feeling, cause it kinda dropped for a minute. You know that feeling, when you're driving and top a hill going too fast? That's what happened yesterday. I'm not scared or anything. I have all the confidence in the world, that my surgeon will bring me through this just fine! I trust her, and have faith that everything is gonna be just fine.

I know I'll get nervous at some point, but I'm really hoping I can save all that for the hospital. Can you imagine 11 more days of nervous? UGH. It's all okay though, I'm sure a distraction, in the form on my husband, will be flying in at Will Rogers in about a week. Ha ha ha ha! It'll be too hard to find time to be nervous until he's taking me to the hospital. We haven't seen him in 9 months, so there will be too much to do! Maybe we'll go to the zoo the weekend before my surgery? The kids LOVE the zoo! Paul and I like it too. We used to go all the time. Besides, I could use the exercise. I don't supposed they can gripe if I walk for 6 hours, lmao.

I start my 10 day pre-op diet tomorrow. We went out for breakfast, and lunch. I did manage to NOT drink while I was eating though, so that's a plus. I even managed to wait 20 minutes after breakfast to have a drink of water! I figured this is gonna be my last day to EAT anything I want, so why not? Starting tomorrow I have to follow my diet plan, and it's something I can expect to be following after I'm back on food again after surgery. The last three days is my liquids only phase! I'm not worried about it though. After a protein shake, I think I'm hungry because I haven't eaten anything, but I KNOW I'm not. I think that's why it's been so hard for me to eat all the food, I just don't feel hungry anymore.

My biggest worry right now..... I found out that I won't eat or drink anything, other than water, while I'm in the hospital. Assuming there are no complications, I'll be there about two and a half days. Nothing for two and a half days? YIKES! I admit that worries me. I asked the dietitians what happens if you get hungry while you're in the hospital. They looked at me like I was crazy and just said that, "That doesn't really happen." Were any of you hungry in the hospital? Not eating anything for about three days sounds horrible to me!

I've got to rearrange my meal plan for tomorrow. I'm supposed to have a shake for breakfast, but I have a birthday party to go to, so I'm doing it for lunch instead. I'm going to have an omelet for breakfast, with lots of bell peppers and onions in it! Then, I'll have to switch my snack and my dinner around too. Austin's first ball game is tomorrow night, so I'll have to eat late. I'll have my last snack around dinner time, and eat my dinner before I go to bed.

My final appointment, before surgery, is the 8th. The last support group meeting before my surgery is the 9th. I would love to go, but that's a lot of driving, and I still need to find a babysitter for Monday. So it's gonna be crazy busy around here! Hope you all enjoy your weekend! Sarah

Getting closer and closer!!

2008-09-03T12:38:00.000-07:00

I've only got 13 more days until my surgery! I can't believe it. I called the office today, and asked if they could possibly call and let me know when they send the red cross message, so I can tell Paul it's on the way. I got to thinking today. Surely, they'll send him more than the day before the surgery, which is on a Tuesday. And the Army does not like to purchase weekend tickets, because they're more expensive. It's entirely plausible that he'll be home by the 12th of September! That's next Friday! I'm so excited! Not only do I get to have this surgery, that's going to change my life forever! I'm going to, hopefully....cause we're still not 100% sure yet, get to spend some time with my husband! It's a win win situation for us! The kids miss him so much, and they need to spend some time with him before he deploys again. And, needless to say, I miss him terribly too!

I talked to Austin's football coaches last night. Paul missed out on all of baseball, and there's no doubt he'll miss out on all of basketball too. I thought it might be kind of nice if he could be a little more involved with football while he's home. I'm not sure if he knows yet, what I got him into, but they're more than willing to let him help out while he's home! Paul's really excited about that. He played football in school, and a dad should be there to cheer his kiddos on!

I'm really excited about the surgery, and so very happy that I'm more than likely gonna get to see my husband again soon. I know I'll be laid up for a few days, but I'm really hoping that we can use his time home to do "normal" family things, like football practice!

Hope everyone is enjoying their week. Nice and cool....and wet here!
Sarah

Getting down to the wire!

2008-08-31T09:18:00.000-07:00

I start my 10 pre-op diet in 6 more days! It's crazy! When I think of my time line in those terms, it seems like my surgery is just next week! I've got to go to my Diet Class and Post-op orientation on the 4th. That's an almost all day thing. And I need to run by academy, and get Austin some football pants. Then I start my diet on the 6th. That should be fun. My nieces first birthday party is the 6th. So is Austin's first football game! Busy day for me again! Then I have my pre-op appointment the 8th! I'm so excited! I can't wait!

When I first started telling people that I was having a gastric bypass, I got a lot of negative reactions. I was kind of shocked to be honest, and disappointed to say the least. That's changed though. All the football Mom's know, and they're really supportive. They ask a lot of questions sometimes, but at least none of them act like I'm laying my life on the line to be thinner. One of the other Mom's actually had a gastric sleeve about three months ago! That's a miracle, seeing how there are only a few of us. (I live in a small town of a bout 600 people.) Anyway, they're mostly really supportive, and pretty curious too.

So, I feel like I have the support in place, even when Paul leaves, to be okay. My brother said he'd babysit so I can hit up my support group meetings. They have them twice a month. (He's trying to get the money to buy a truck, he'll do anything for 15 bucks! LMAO) We've still got our fingers crossed that they'll let Paul come home too. If not, I might be up a creek without a paddle. At this point, I'm choosing to have faith in the military system. It's never worked for us before, but I have to believe that it will this time! I'm gonna need his help, and the kids really do need to spend some time with him before he deploys again!

Anyway, it's getting down to the wire now. I'm still not nervous, just getting more excited everyday! I can't wait for the new me! I keep telling myself....this time next year.....!

Happy Labor Day, hope you all have a blast!
Sarah

medical alert bracelets

2008-08-30T09:44:00.000-07:00

I bought my medical alert bracelet this morning! It's sooo pretty!

Now I feel completely prepared! I should get it before my surgery. The site said 5 - 10 days. I paid the extra $2.50 shipping so it wouldn't take 2 to 3 weeks. One more step towards the new me!! Only 17 more days and I'm on the "losing" side! I can't wait, I'm so excited!

Hope you all have a fatabulous Labor Day weekend!
Sarah

New favorite snack!

2008-08-29T12:27:00.000-07:00

Geesh, I'm blogging a lot today, lmao!

Anyway, I have a new favorite snack. Vanilla Bean Almonds! They're Blue Diamond brand, and I found them at WalMart. 24 almonds is about an ounce. They're a little sweet, but not too much, I think they're just right!

Oven Roasted Vanilla Bean Almonds

INGREDIENTS: ALMONDS, EVAPORATED CANE JUICE, NATURAL FRENCH VANILLA FLAVOR, SEA SALT, CORN MALTODEXTRIN, AND VANILLA BEAN SEEDS.

PEANUT FREE. MAY CONTAIN OTHER TREE NUTS.

I love em, cause it's a satisfying snack, but when I'm full it doesn't make me feel like I'm over eating. I love the raw natural blue diamond almonds too.

I know sometimes I just want something a little sweet, and sweet is a kinda a no no after surgery. These are the perfect solution!

Oh, and the back of these little containers have dashes to help show you each one ounce serving! Totally awesome, and they sell a bag with single servings prepackaged, so you can grab one and go. You don't have to count em out! (I've only seen those in the raw natural almonds though!)

OMG, first WLS emotional moment!

2008-08-29T07:32:00.000-07:00

I got this web page off Eggface's blog.

Now, I knew going into this that I would lose weight. I knew, that if I did what I was supposed to, that I wasn't going to be fat for the rest of my life. I've been really really excited about it too. I was just thinking this time next year, I'm not gonna be FAT anymore. I might not be thin, and I probably won't be to my goal yet, but I wasn't gonna be fat anymore.

I didn't realize that I didn't have my head quite wrapped around that, like I thought I did!

I went to this web page. Filled out the stupid little BMI calculator.....only this one asked how much of your excess weight you wanted to lose. Duh, all of it! So I typed in 90%. Up pops this little paragraph, that my ideal weight is 138 pounds. If I lose 90% of my excess weight, I need to lose 141 pounds. It says that after bariatric surgery I can expect to lose this weight over the next 12 to 15 months, and then I can expect my weight to begin to fluctuate up and down a couple pounds a month. Blah Blah Blah. I know all that already. Then BOOM, it says below is a graph of how your weight might change after surgery.

This put it into perspective like nothing else had. My first OMG moment! I burst into tears, like an emotional wreck, because this is a possibility for me! I might not lose 90% of my excess weight, I know, but it's possible. If I work on me, and let the surgery work for me, this is an actual possibility for me! It's finally hit me. 18 days til surgery, and I've just now realized I'm NOT doomed to be obese for the rest of my life! I'm NOT going to be the biggest person at Christmas. I'm not going to be the one that has to get off the roller coaster, cause the seatbelt won't fit! I've printed off one copy of this graph to tape to the fridge. I think I'll print off a few more and put them up all over the house! With my "logical" brain this hit me harder than the though of a size 8 pair of jeans. This is gonna be me within the next two years! I'm not gonna be fat anymore! Just looking at this it's hard to get a grip on myself! (What is wrong with me!?!)

Special thanks to Eggface. This page was amazing for me. (I don't know why I can't stop crying! *tears of joy, of course*) I can't believe I almost missed this! My mind is adjusting to the possibilities. I don't know why I couldn't see it like this before! It's amazing, isn't it? I'm sure there were be many many OMG moments after surgery. But I wanted to share my first!

X's & O's
Sarah

http://www.obesityhelp.com/morbidobesity/information/post+op+planner.php

One....Don't I Look Dumb (from the movie Major Payne)

2008-08-29T06:20:00.000-07:00

I gained 3 pounds this week. I am NOT amused. I emailed Tiffany about the AMOUNT of food she was asking me to eat. She said I could lay off the last snack, and make the meals smaller, but I still have to eat at least 5 times a day. She also informed that awesome GNC guy, may have screwed me over. I've been drinking my protein shakes religiously. Now, if you remember a previous post praising said GNC guy, you know that he knew exactly what I was looking for. I told him I was looking for a meal replacement protein powder that I could use after gastric bypass surgery. Well, apparently the man sold me something for weight GAIN! Again, I am NOT amused. I feel like I was taken advantage of! I wasted 48 bucks on the crap, and it doesn't even taste good!

I am officially withdrawing my former kudos to the GNC guy in Stillwater Oklahoma. Bad GNC guy, BAD!

On a happier note....my surgery is only 18 days away, woot woot! I'm going to call said GNC guy back and let him know of the grievous error he helped me make, and see if something can't be done about it. I mean, I still have 3/4 of the worthless crap he sold me. Surely he can do something, right?

Hope you all enjoy your Labor Day weekend!
Sarah

motivation

2008-08-27T20:29:00.000-07:00

I should have started exercising already, but I haven't. I feel so bad. I want to blame it on all this food I'm supposed to be eating. It's making me really tired. I can't get rested at night! I'm just gonna have to grit my teeth and do it, I know. I've got lots of house work to do. The kids managed to get into the boxes of winter clothes. I can't just put it back up without washing it all again, so I'll be doing laundry for two days straight I'm sure. I want to do a through cleaning of the entire house before my surgery too. I think I'll rest better that way.

Paul still hasn't gotten me the information I need to send a red cross message. If he doesn't get it to me soon, he's gonna wait to long. If we don't get him home for my surgery, I might be totally screwed. At first my mom said she could take a week or two off work. Now she's saying she'll take off while I'm in the hospital. I thought I had it covered, cause I figured my grandma would come down, which she would, if she weren't flying out to Flordia two days before my surgery!

Anyway, I had a lady that I don't particularly care for, get nasty with me today. Tried to tell me that she knows four people now that have died from WLS. I'm not calling her a liar, but I don't think she's completely honest either. I think she's just trying to scare me out of it, cause she knows how excited I am. She's just mean. I usually don't talk to her, but she over heard me telling someone else that I only had 20 days left before my surgery.

Today has just been one of those days I guess. Does housework count as exercise? I'm planning on doing my Gazelle every night while I watch a movie. I got me three new Netflix movies today. I figure if I watch one tomorrow night, and mail it Friday, but I might have a replacement for it by the time I'm done with the other two. If not, I'll do my biggest loser workout tape. That way I don't get too bored.

Been a tough week for me so far, with the exception of last night. I went to my support group meeting. That was fun. I asked the RN that led last night's meeting, if I had to eat all that food, if I was still getting in my protein. He said it sounded logical, but he would prefer to call and ask Tiffany. I think I'll shoot her an email before I hit the hay.

Hope everyone else is enjoying their week!

protein blues

2008-08-25T13:49:00.000-07:00

I've got to get back on track, starting now. I still don't mind my shakes, but after being disappointed with the taste of my Muscle Milk, I've stopped drinking them as often as I should. (Let me take a second to remind everyone, that I'm still PRE-OP!!!) I had a slightly low protein lab, so the dietitian wants me to get it up before surgery. Just 22 days away now! I don't mind the taste so much, I mean I CAN get through the whole shake. I don't know, I was just expecting something better after shelling out nearly 50 bucks! Just kind of a turn off I guess.

The other problem I've been having is eating as much food as Tiffany has asked me too. She wants me to have one shake within an hour of waking up....each isn't a problem, at all! But it's the snacks, and the big meals. It's just too much food! If I could do two shakes, which is ALL my protein, and one snack and dinner, that I think I could handle. It's just too much food! I can't force feed myself, it's harder than telling myself "No, you shouldn't eat that!"

Post-op will be different, I think. I won't be hungry, and my stomach will be small. I won't have to eat much, just eat every few hours. Why can't I do that now? As long as I'm getting in my daily protein goal, why do I have to eat so much food?

MY meal plan:

breakfast:
protein shake

snack:
kashi bar

lunch:
protein shake

snack:
beef jerky

dinner:
whatever everyone else is having, just eat sensibly.

snack:
optional

The two shakes alone will get in my daily protein, and I'll just make good choices for snacks and dinner. Then maybe I can get some exercise in, cause I won't feel full to the bursting point!

Have a good week!
Sarah

soynuts

2008-08-24T14:45:00.000-07:00

I finally found soy nuts today. Braum's carries them! I got all excited, cause I've been looking for them for awhile now. I had looked at three different WalMarts and couldn't find them! Anyway, I've heard good things about them, so when I found them today, I bought three bags of them. I opened one up in the truck and popped a few in, cause I'd never had them before. At first, I didn't think they were half bad. But the more I chewed the grosser they got to me. Anyone got any tips on making soy nuts yummier? I could sure use some.

I found a website, soynuts.com, and they sell them in 1lb. bags. They have 17 different flavors. I don't think I care for them plain, but they have an onion and garlic flavor that's their best seller. I think I might try those! Hope they're better than the plain ones anyway!

Hope you all enjoyed your weekend!

Comments and Crap

2008-08-22T20:01:00.000-07:00

First, the COMMENTS, cause I LOVE comments! You guys are great! I really enjoy reading everyone's blogs. Everyday there's a new post, I get more excited about "joining the club!" The pictures are amazing too! I really can't wait to be the new me. After talking to the GNC guy, I was totally excited that I get to do this for me! I never do anything for me. I'm the push over that's always doing for someone else, because I can't tell people no. Anyway, I love the words of encouragement, and you guys are totally awesome!

And now....the CRAP. First off the meal plan the dietician gave me did NOT go well today. I haven't a clue how many grams of protein I got in, cause I haven't counted them yet. I did it, by the book, for two days, and I am telling you....THAT is a LOT of food! I mean, I'm the fat girl that skipped meals, and only ate once or twice a day. Now she's got me eating three meals and three snacks! I'm sure I can do it after surgery, when I can only eat a couple ounces at a time, but come on! Yesterday I was supposed to have 3 to 4 ounces of a lean protein and 2 CUPS of salad! I so cheated. I had 2 ounces of tuna and maybe 1 cup of a salad. Then I was trying to force down a 1/2 cup of cottage cheese a couple hours later, when I was NOT hungry. It was hot, and I wasn't in the mood to eat. Then I nearly forgot my after dinner, before bed, snack. I had a yogurt, and I LOVE yogurt, but I had to force myself to finish it. Is she trying to make me hate food before the surgery? HA HA HA!!! So today, I didn't have my meal replacement shake for breakfast....I had two pieces of beef jerky. I had my Kashi granola bar thingy for a mid morning snack. I didn't eat lunch at all! I had my shake for an afternoon snack. Then I did a pure protein bar from walmart for dinner. Then after the kids went to bed, I settled down with a book and some more beef jerky. So, let's count that up real quick, shall we?

The beef jerky (times two) that's 42 grams of protein
my kashi bar had 7g
my shake had two scoops of body fortress so that's 52
plus my 8 ounces of milk adds 8 grams
the protein bar from wally world had 17
so that gives me a grand total of..... 126 grams of protein, and my goal each day is 90

So, why do I have to eat so much food?I mean, I could get my protein in two shakes if I wanted to! Heck, that's what I was doing before I went and saw the dietitian. I know it's different after surgery, small amounts throughout the day. But I just don't eat this much food, except at Thanksgiving! OMG, I forgot I had a handful of almonds too, so that's what like 7 more grams, right? Any advice people? My stomach felt weird all day....hard as a rock. I don't know if it had something to do with all the food I ate yesterday, or what was going on. Isn't there an easier way to get my protein up, without force feeding myself? I got it all in today!

That's my rant...hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! I think I'm gonna go to the lake!
Sarah

Milestone Wednesday!

2008-08-20T13:02:00.000-07:00

(That would be cooler if it could be "Milestone Monday" huh?)

First things first. I went to OWLO for all my evaluations yesterday. It went pretty good, I think. I got that little breathing thingy-ma-gigger. It's easier to do if you're standing up, is that cheating? I forgot to ask. Anyway, I got to learn all about your target heart rate. Got to walk on a treadmill for like six minutes. That was GREAT fun, ha ha. Then there was dietary. My protein levels are a tad low, so I get to work on getting those UP before surgery. Yay, more food than I can possibly eat, lmao. Then the EKG...that didn't take but like five minutes. Kind of an in and out sort of deal, but she said it all looked good. I always figured my heart worked pretty good. I mean the kids check my "heart beep" all the time! They've never mentioned a problem. Then the psyche evaluation. Man, I thought they were gonna ask all sorts of personal questions, get me boo-hooing. I wasn't really looking forward to that part. Except for the fact that her office was below FREEZING, it wasn't too bad. I probably talked too much, so heck she might think I'm crazy. I asked, but she didn't say.

Now, for the milestone.....I went to GNC today!

It gets better...... are you ready?..... I actually BOUGHT something!

The guys was the nicest! I don't know if it's just me, but usually when I walk into a store (especially if I'm toting dirty toddlers) I tend to get ignored. {Note for the future: Don't let the twins jump on a trampoline, right before a trip to town!} I was really kind of expecting that sort of treatment when I walked in the door. I was totally blown away, when he was done helping whoever was on the phone he walked right up to me, and the dirty toddlers, and asked if there was anything he could help me with! I flat out told him what was going on..... I kinda of expected to be embarrassed. I'm so over that, I don't have time anymore. I told him I was having a gastric bypass next month and I needed a good protein MEAL replacement. (I learned yesterday that not all the powders are meals, go figure.) He led me right to them. Helped me pick out the best brand....something that went with my surgeon's dietary recommendations. He went on to say that he'd owned that GNC for 10 years and he's seen lost of people come through that have had it done. He told me that the transformation was really amazing! I left, after making my cookies and cream meal replacement purchase, even more excited about my surgery! That man was totally nice to me, and it was a totally new experience for me! Most people are just doing their jobs, it's just a paycheck to them. This person was helpful, nice, and he even seemed excited for me! Weird huh? I'm so going back to that GNC, when I need something! (And he gave me a free key chain that will hold all my vitamins....cause I tend to remember I didn't take them, after I left the house!

So, kudos to the awesome GNC guy in Stillwater Oklahoma. Hope you're all enjoying your week!
Sarah

Long day, lots accomplished

2008-08-19T18:46:00.000-07:00

I have my physical therapy appointment today. Followed by my dietary, EKG, and psyche evaluations. It was a long day, but I feel productive! I think they all went pretty good. I like to talk, and really don't know when to shut up, so they all got an ear full! We talked about the "size issues" I've been having. I told the woman doing the psyche evaluation, when she asked me how I thought she would deal with it, if I got down to a size 8. I told her, that I wasn't having this surgery for my mom. I was doing it for me, for my kids, even a little bit for my husband. That I was doing it for the kids my kids will have someday. I told her, as mean as it sounds, I don't care what my Mother thinks anymore. It doesn't matter what she wants me to be. I'll be what I want me to be! I'll be the mom that chases her kids around the yard ALL night....not just two minutes at a time. I want to grow old, and be the grandma that takes the babies to the zoo. (Not the fat granny that says, "Okay kids, lets watch some cartoons!")

So, I feel like I have a new lease on life now. I don't care what my mom wants me to be. I don't care if she thinks I'm too heavy, or if I'm too thin. I DON'T CARE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE THINK anymore! The people that matter are supportive. The people that matter don't care what size I am! Why am I running around like an idiot trying to make a meany head happy? The way I see it, that doesn't make much sense, so I'm not gonna do it anymore!

Yeah, I think today was a good day!

cheated, but had a good day

2008-08-16T19:36:00.000-07:00

It's true, I cheated. I had about 10 ounces of Diet Coke last night! I wanted it so bad, I don't know what got into me! I wanted one again today, of course, but it wasn't so bad. I was able to tell myself no without too much pain, ha ha. Other than some fries (and a SMALL dessert of apple cobbler) I didn't do to bad today. I had my protein shake for breakfast. We went out to eat for lunch, so I had a salad, three olives, two ribs, and the fries. Could have been worse, right? Dinner was a cheddarwurst, no bread. That's not that great a choice, I know, but I think I'm getting sick, and I DID NOT feel like cooking, ugh. I'm hungry again, so I think I might take in another shake before I go to bed.

It's been a long day. My oldest had a football scrimmage, and then we were just all so tired! My daughter's been kinda sick, now I'm getting sick! I was supposed to go to a baby shower tomorrow, but I don't know if I'll be up to it. I'm not going if I'm sick. That's the last thing a pregnant woman needs!

I've got another busy week ahead of us, so I might just take the day off. I can't afford to get sick right now! Hope you all are enjoying your weekend! Sarah

Flour

2008-08-16T05:35:00.000-07:00

I know flour is a carb you're not supposed to have after surgery, right? Well I ran into soy flour the other day at the grocery store and I was wondering if anyone had ever seen it, or used it? I'm going to look up the nutritional contents and ask my dietitian about it Tuesday. But I was still wondering, is it something you could use to REPLACE regular flour? I mean, surely you wouldn't want to bake bread or a cake or something with it, but what if a recipe called for 1 cup or less of flour, you think soy flour could cover that? It was just a new find for me, and I was wondering if anyone had ever used it for anything. I love to bake, and I bet you could alter the ingredients, use soy flour for a pie crust and make a REALLY yummy pie that would be WLS friendly!

Thanks for all your help, and all your input! I hope everyone really enjoys their weekend!
Sarah

Help, I'm drowning!

2008-08-16T05:11:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to make some small changes every week, to the way I eat. I'm trying to get myself ready for the way I'll have to eat after surgery. I bought some protein mix. You all know that, cause I've already blogged about it. I couldn't finish, it just got worse, the longer I drank it. But no worries, I went and got some more pudding stuff! I'm good to go with protein shakes now. I've already kicked rice and pasta out the door. That wasn't too tough. I did buy some pasta plus the other day. I thought when the kids have spaghetti, that I would make them the regular stuff, and try a small serving of protein pasta. It's still got quite a few carbs, though not as many as the stuff I used to eat, and it's got protein in it. I need to write it down and be sure to ask my dietitian about it Tuesday.

I'm having a harder time with bread and Diet Coke. I hadn't had a Diet Coke for about two weeks, and I finally caved last night. I bought a 12 ounce can, and it was SOOOO good. I didn't quite finish it though. Maybe I could get some kudos for that? I drank about 3/4 of it, and it was heaven. I'm still working on bread too. It seems everything is breaded these days. I've got four kids, football practice three nights a week, games another night, now we're adding 4H and I've got all my doctor's appointments! And weirdly enough half of all this takes place on Tuesdays! I'm busy, I don't always have time to cook something. I guess I'm gonna start replacing those "hurry up and eat we gotta go" meals with my protein shake!

Potatoes are gonna be the nail in the casket for me. I'm actually dreading not being able to eat them anymore. A lady at my support group meeting said, if there's something you want really bad, take a bite, and move on. Otherwise you'll just want it more and more and more. Would an occasional bite of potatoes really be that bad afterwards? Like, I've already decided to "cheat" and have one bite at Thanksgiving dinner. That's horrible, isn't it? Heck, I might not even feel up to eating again then. I mean I'll only be about 10 weeks post-op! Maybe Christmas then? I figure, if I stick to the meal plan 98% of the time, one bite here and there isn't going to throw the whole thing off, is it? That way I don't feel like I have about my diet coke. Where I tell myself no so long, that I go binge of potatoes! Gosh, that sounds like it could be uncomfortable after surgery!

I read a blog somewhere about a woman that was confused because she was dumping after a big cinnamon roll (complete with icing). She said she'd thought it was because she'd had a glass of milk with it this time. Obviously, that's not something you should be eating after WLS. I was under the impression that you wouldn't be ABLE to eat it without dumping. Apparently she eats them occasionally with no problems, but when she added the milk with it, it became one. I guess what I want to know is; would sneaking ONE bite of potatoes once or twice a month be detrimental to my weightloss? Is it going to set me back? I know they don't want you do to it, because simple carbs are addictive. When you take a bite you want another and before you know it, you've eaten a whole plate of mashed potatoes. But what if you could take one small bite and walk away? Is that okay?

Anyway, I'm making attempts to eliminate bread from my diet. I guess Diet Coke is nearly gone, and soon I'll be saying goodbye to potatoes too. And I have to say, when I first heard what my post-op mean plan would be like.....I honestly thought to myself, "If I can't eat sugar, bread, pasta, rice, potatoes, and drink my diet coke....what CAN I have?" Didn't seem at the time that I would have many choices left after eliminating those few things! Oh, and I AM making an effort to stomp out and sugar I was unknowingly eating. I am having trouble finding yogurt though. It all seems to have too much sugar, unless it's plain. Any suggestions there?

protein shakes

2008-08-15T12:56:00.000-07:00

I bought me some of that WalMart Body Fortress protein powder earlier this week. I've been replacing a meal a day with one.....usually breakfast or lunch. I'd been doing 8 oz. 2% milk, one scoop vanilla protein powder, 6 to 8 ice cubes, and a teaspoon of cheesecake flavored sugar free pudding mix. At first I couldn't understand why everyone thinks protein shakes are gross! Well, I ran out of pudding mix today..... I'll have to buy some more today. I just made me one with nothing but milk, ice, and protein powder. I wouldn't call it disgusting....but it sure doesn't taste good either. I think I'll stick with the pudding trick! I might get me some strawberries and splenda, see what happens when I do that! Heck I like that better than a slimfast shake!

But here's a question.....on the side of the jug of powder it says keep out of reach of children. I took that to mean they shouldn't eat it, right? But all these blogs have yummy looking recipes for protein ice cream! Should my kids NOT eat that too?

I'm back, and having issues!!!

2008-08-14T20:15:00.001-07:00

I'm back online, thank goodness! I thought I might literally go INSANE! Well almost, nearly go insane. The finally fixed my phone line, said there was some lines crossed, so they'd shorted out or something. I don't really get it. I just want it to work all the time, lmao.

On to issues! I'm having size issues again. I'm currently a size 22, I think. The pants and tops I wear are a size 22 or a 3X. I have some 22's that I ordered long ago, out of a catalog, that never fit. I don't know if they're just sized different than what you buy at the store, or what the deal is. Anywho, I'm really looking forward to being post-op and getting into some of my old clothes. I still have LOTS of 20's and 18's even. I'm really really looking forward to being able to shop in the misses department again! The problem is, I have an "ideal" size in mind. I know you don't get to pick what size you end up....otherwise every overweight person would do this, right? If I'm completely honest with myself I want to be somewhere in the 8 to 10 size range. I would LOVE to be a size 8, and I would be completely satisfied if I stopped losing at a 10 or a 12 even! However, I dare not say I'd be happy at a 6, not in front of my mom. She got upset with me, and told me an 8 was TOO small! She wants me to be a 10 or a 12. I don't know why she's so adamant about it! She gets really mad and hateful anytime I mention people I've talk to, who've had WLS, and they're a 6 or smaller! I met a woman at my support group meeting that had gone from a size 24 to a size 0! That's amazing! I mean, I wouldn't personally want to be that small, but she looked great to me! I made the mistake of mentioning it to my mom, and she got MAD at me! Her exact words were, "Well Sarah, I hope YOU (said "you" really hatefully) don't want to do that.....cause that's NOT even cute." I've learned, finally, not to even talk about what size I might be when I'm "done" losing weight. She always seems to hurt my feelings when we talk about it.

The thing is, I'm excited about the possibilities! I WANT to talk about it! I want to dream of the future! I want to fantasize about going shopping, and buying a size 8 pair of jeans! I want to thumb through catalogs and look at all the pretty things I'll be able to wear this time next year! My Mom wants me to have this surgery. She can't stand that I'm fat. But she only wants me to lose so much. She does NOT want me to get smaller than a 10, and keeps telling me to shoot for a 12! It's like she wants me to do this, and she wants me to be excited, but not TOO excited! I've never thought I deserved to lose weight and feel good about myself. When she gets hateful about me being that small someday it's like she's saying, she would like my to be a normal size, and fairly happy.....but not too happy. It's frustrating. No one around me really understands. While most people are supportive...most don't seem as optimistic as I am.

So, you awesome peoples are my support! You've been there, you've done it! AND....YOU don't have a problem with me being a size 8 sometime! Woot woot! Love you guys, hope you all enjoy your weekend!

I won't be around much

2008-08-09T14:16:00.000-07:00

The modem in my computer has died on me! Ugh! I can't get online right now. (I'm at my dad's right now.) I'm still waiting on AT&T to decided if I can get DSL in my area. I'm hoping, praying, and I've got my fingers crossed for good measure. I hate dial up, and I HATE paying per minute to be online. Anyway, I'll get the modem replaced, and sooner or later I will be back. I just didn't want you all to think I disappeared!

Sarah

AH! Run for you life! There's a fat girl at the lake!!!

2008-08-03T21:15:00.001-07:00

I usually don't go to the lake on the weekends, because it's so crowded. I don't like to get my fat butt into shorts in front of strangers! But the kids were good today, and they helped me with the housework, and it was unbearably hot, so we couldn't go fishing. When we got to the lake, it was packed, probably a dozen different groups of people/families there! Within thirty minutes, it was me, my kids, and a group of four.....that was it! Do I think they left because I showed up? No, not even a little bit.....I was kinda glad I didn't have to parade around in front of a load of people. (But I still think the title is hilarious!)

I was worried I'd have trouble getting outside in this heat. It was still 102 when we hit the lake this evening. We never go before 4, give it time to cool off a tad. The water still felt awesome! I was afraid that I'd hate it in the heat! My daughter and I built an awesome sandcastle.....by awesome, I mean bigger than the other's we've made. After she showed it off to her brothers, she smashed it really good. Looked like fun to me!

Anyway, today was a good day. We got about half of our housework done before it got to hot to do anything else. The house always gets hot between 2 and 5. Then we went to WalMart.....I needed some fly spray stuff.....darn things are too fast for the flyswatter! (Or maybe I'm just too slow?) Picked up some grapes and plums while we were there, and then we headed to the lake for about 3 hours. I love swimming.

On a negative note: I'm trying to get myself accustomed to not drinking diet coke, or eating some of the naughty things after my surgery. I've already stopped eating rice, and pasta....and I'm working on bread right now. I haven't had a diet coke in what.....like two weeks? I totally caved today though. I had a large diet coke from Sonic. It was soooo hot and I wanted it soooooo bad! But, my resolve has stiffened! NO MORE DIET COKE! (Bad Sarah, Bad!) In the next week or two I'm giving up my potatoes. That's gonna be the hardest part for me. Say a prayer, cross your fingers.....SOMETHING. It's gonna be tough!

Hope everyone enjoyed their weekend!

Losing Weight

2008-08-03T08:40:00.000-07:00

The kids and I have really been enjoying the lake late this summer. But, as August is always the hottest time of the year here in Oklahoma, the "dog days of summer" have really got us bummed. It's been over 100 degrees the past several days, with no relief in sight. I miss going to the lake too! I love the water! I can't wait until next year, after I've lost some weight. I told my Mom she's taking me swimsuit shopping!

She said that was fine, as long as she didn't have to try any on, lmao! She's been doing Jenny Craig for nearly a year now. She's lost some weight, and I think she looks great. She's kinda stalled between the 25 and 30 pound mark though. She's been trying really hard to stick to her diet lately. She said she wants to make her goal weight, by her birthday. (late next month) Last I heard she still had 11 pounds to go. I feel bad for her, cause she's losing heart. At first she ranted and raved about how great Jenny Craig was, and how easy it was to stick to! She even wanted to pay my membership fee and my first week's worth of food as my Christmas gift. I had to convince her, that not only could I not afford it at the time, but I didn't think I could stick to it. My idea of dinner is something yummy, that I made....not some tiny little frozen dinner I nuked! Yuck!

I'm really super excited about my surgery! I can't wait to lose weight while my husband's overseas....and SURPRISE him when he comes home on leave! They're gonna let him come home while I have my surgery, and hopefully while I recover a bit. Then he'll go back to Germany to await his deployment. I'm not sure when he's leaving, heck I'm not even sure where he's going yet this time.....but about 6 to 7 months after he leaves, he'll get his two weeks R&R! It will be super exciting! I could be smaller than I was when we got married! Then, when he's back from his deployment, he'll take leave......I should have lost most my weight by then! (Or, at least I hope so!) I'm already trying to find something really cute to buy to wear! I'm getting catalogs, and when I'm bored I'm surfing the net. I can't wait to be the smoking hot wife he deserves! I can't wait to chase my kids without running out of breath in the first two minutes! I can't wait to go shopping, and shop in the misses department, where all the cute clothes are!

I was talking to my mom about what size I hope to be, when I'm "done" losing weight. I would be happy with a 10, but to be honest, I would really love to be a size 8. My mom says that's too small. I agree that I don't think I would like to be smaller than that. A size 6 is just too skinny, for ME! It wouldn't look good, I don't think. I mean, more power to those women that achieve that size! It's awesome! I just don't think being that skinny is for me. I've always had curves, and I've come to love them! My husband loves them too, lmao. I know they're bound to deflate, but I hope they don't disappear completely! I asked, on my yahoo WLS group, what size they started out at, and what size they are now....and of course how long post op they are. I got one response, and it was totally uplifting! She started out a size bigger than I usually wear now, and ended a size smaller than I want to be!

I guess that's it for today. I know my thoughts are all over the place....but hey, I never said I was always gonna make sense! Take care, hope you all enjoyed your weekend!

50 Things to do instead of snacking

2008-08-01T19:52:00.000-07:00

1. Imagine the new healthier you
2. Walk around the block
3. Call a friend
4. Make a list of your Top Ten Reasons to Lose Weight
5. Make a To Do list
6. Turn on music and dance
7. Jot a thank you note to someone
8. Go to bed early or take a nap
9. Read a book
10. Blog or journal
11. Give yourself a manicure or pedicure
12. Plan a healthy meal for your family
13. Surf the Internet
14. Finish an unfinished project
15. Walk your dog, pet your cat, feed your fish
16. Brush your teeth
17. Balance your checkbook
18. Say a prayer
19. Chop veggies to keep on hand
20. Give a massage
21. Clean out a junk drawer
22. Play a game with your kids
23. Try a new route on your walk
24. Drink a glass of water
25. Kiss someone
26. Try on some of your clothes
27. Look at old pictures
28. Rent a video
29. Wash your car
30. Take a hot, soothing bath
31. Update your calendar
32. Work in your yard
33. Start your holiday shopping list
34. Count your blessings
35. Write a letter
36. Fold some laundry
37. Check your e-mail
38. Give your dog a bath
39. Send a birthday card
40. Meditate
41. Hug someone
42. Rearrange some furniture
43. Light a fire or some candles
44. Put your pictures in an album
45. Plan a trip (real or imaginary)
46. Straighten a closet
47. Clean out a files
48. Visit a friend
49. Clean out your trunk
50. Do something nice for someone

On a Blog Hunt

2008-07-31T15:20:00.001-07:00

I went on a hunt today, for other weight loss surgery (WLS) blogs. Mine isn't necessarily a WLS blog, but it IS about weight issues. Now that I'm having WLS, I'm sure it will turn into that. I've found some really awesome sites, and added them to my list over to the right. Some people have amazing looking recipes to try! I'm so excited about those. Other's have before and after pictures, that are truly inspiring! They took my pictures Monday, and my initial appointment. I asked NOT to see them, it just makes me want to cry. Maybe someday I'll be able to look at them and see how far I've come. Right now, I just want to burn them all! I hate taking pictures.

Anyway, I'm still on the hunt. I've found several blogs that I really like, but I hope I can find one or two more, at least. I love the ones with the recipes too! I was afraid I'd never get to have dessert again ever. Maybe someday I'll be brave enough to post photos too?

awesome people

2008-07-30T10:08:00.000-07:00

Being big, or fat, or chubby, or pleasantly plump.....whatever you want to call it.....has always brought me in contact with fairly negative people. I know lots of people that have weight loss surgery suffer with a bout of depression at some point afterwards. It's probably even fair to say that most of them do. I've had some serious fights with depression over the years myself. While I didn't know then, how to handle it, I think I've made some fairly good strides, and I'm more equipped to deal with it now.

Overweight people deal with negativity on a daily basis. We're masters of our own self destruction. We're better than most at putting ourselves down. It makes us feel better, as morbid as that sounds. We might be fat, but at least we know it. I've actually prided myself in being able to admit that I'm fat. I mean, I have a mirror, and I'm not delusional, right? Obese people build a wall up around themselves. The longer they're overweight, or the more they weigh, the faster the wall goes up. It's a safety feature, we create. If someone insults us, or we get that "look" from a stranger, we can easily say it's THEIR problem. We know we're fat. We know we're unhealthy. You're the idiot for thinking we don't notice. You're Captain Obvious for pointing out something EVERYONE can clearly see!

Losing the weight, undoubtedly destroys that wall. I think depression is a result for the time it takes to find something else to replace it. For me, I find it impossible to believe that anyone could find my attractive. While I love my husband to death, and always will, perhaps he's out of his mind for wanting to be with someone like me. I don't like myself, and I can't remember I time when I have. I've always been down on me, because it made it hurt less when other people did it. I'm sure I'll find it hard to find myself worthy of new clothes when the time comes. Although I will undoubtedly need them. I have a hard time justifying spending money on myself now. I'm always thinking, well one day soon, I'm gonna go on a diet and lose weight. Then I will have bought these jeans for nothing. Of course, the next thing I know, the jeans are a wee bit too tight!
I'm prepared to have trouble adjusting to the new me. The me without a brick wall that keeps me safe from the insults of others. It's going to be tough, it's something I've always relied on. The whole point of today blog, is what I think I've found to replace my wall of self loathing. I plan to surround myself with awesome people! My husband, who loves ME, who could care less what I weigh. My mom, who bless her heart, is trying so hard to be positive about what the future holds for me now. My mother in law that, while we have our differences, will tell me I look like I've lost a few pounds, even when I've gained five! (Ha ha ha ha) And, of course, the people at OWLO. (Oklahoma Weight Loss Options) The people I met Monday, could not have been nicer. My surgeon was sweet, understanding, honest, and took an obvious interest in me as a person. The financial consultant was funny, and instructive. (And I forgive her for having to take my picture for my medical charts, ha ha ha ha.) Even the lab tech wore a happy smile on her face!

I think, as awesome as all those people were, my biggest source of comfort, will be people just like me! I met the nicest woman while I was waiting for my lab work to be done. She was 7 months post-op and had already lost 100 pounds. She was excited for me, and she was encouraging. Talking to her only got me more excited about my future on, what other post-ops call, the losing side! This woman offered her advice, her encouragement, and her sympathies to a complete stranger! I'm kicking myself for not getting, at the very least, her name. She'll never know what an inspiration she was to me! I was excited about my surgery before talking to her, but she has alleviated any fears, or doubts I may have had! I can only hope I'll run into her at some of the support groups. You can rest assured I'll be attending any and all that I can!

I'm sure I'll get nervous, as September approaches. For now though, I'm much to excited about it all! I told the woman I met Monday, that the same thing happened with my c section. I was so big with my twins that I was just ready. I didn't get nervous until they wheeled me into the OR. The same thing applies here. I'm just so ready for this change, for the help, that being nervous or anxious has taken a backseat for now. September 16th will be here before I know it. I can't see wasting that time worrying about something that's going to change my life, for the better! Right now, I'm going to be excited, and count my blessings. Thank God for AWESOME PEOPLE!!

I Got My Date!

2008-07-28T21:29:00.000-07:00

I had my first appointment with Dr. Nealson today! She's super nice. They all were! I got all my appointments until D-Day! I've got a support group meeting, my evaluations, and my diet class and orientation all scheduled! My surgery is gonna be the 16th of September! I'm so excited I can hardly sit still!

I was given a few guidelines to start with. First off, I have to start taking a multivitamin ASAP, no biggie. There are also a few medicines that I can't take, like aspirin and aleve. While Dr. Nealson didn't ask me to lose any weight, she did require that I don't gain anymore. She said, if I gained weight between now and then that she'll postponed my surgery until I was back to where I am now. But that's no big deal, not a problem. To improve lung function I also have to start doing some type of exercise 5 times a week, for 20 minutes a day. That's not a big deal either! We go to the lake about twice a week, and I have a gazelle too!

That's about it really! Just a couple things to do in the next six weeks and got a handful of appointments to keep! Everything is a GO, and I'm super excited! I met a woman today, that had her RNY bypass in December, and has hit the 100 pound mark already! It's truely amazing! She said, just follow your plan they give you, and you won't have ANY problems! She was really sweet too! I can't wait!

Chow, Sarah

Get Going Summer

2008-07-25T21:51:00.000-07:00

I've really enjoyed this summer so far! I've taken the kids to the lake near a half dozen times in the last two weeks! I forgot how much I loved the water. You're not "fat" under the water. The lake doesn't care how much I weigh, I can always float on it. Granted, we don't go on the weekends, when it's crowded. But during the week it's nice. We go around four, when it starts to cool off, and stay til we're ready to leave. The last two times we've stayed til near nine! Right now, I just swim around in cutoffs and a tank top, or a tee shirt. I'm really looking forward to next summer. I'll take my mom and we'll go swimsuit shopping! I'm gonna get something totally cute next year! I forgot how much fun the lake can be. My oldest has learned to float on his back, and he's close to letting loose and swimming. I'm so proud of him. He used to be scared of the water! My 5 year old is proud of himself, because he's learned how to put his face underwater, without coming up sitting and coughing! He's even learned he doesn't have to plug his nose! He's such a big boy. My daughter is about to get the floating thing down too. She can do it, but as soon as she starts to float she gets nervous. The other kiddo loves the water too. I have to watch him real careful, cause he's not scared as long as he can touch. He'll go in up to his nose if I don't watch him! We're all having a ball at the lake, and I'm sure we'll be back at least twice a week, til school starts!

I'm going to Frontier City Monday too! I took my brother a couple of his friends a few weeks ago, and we had a blast! I have my appointment in Norman later that day, so they're gonna play at the amusement park while I go do that. I'm taking my oldest with me this time. I just know he's gonna have a blast! I'm hoping we can all go at least one more time before the summer season's over!

School starts soon. I've got school supplies and lots of clothes to buy coming up real soon! My oldest two are really looking forward to school starting. I'm so lucky that they like it so much. I liked school myself. Can't say I cared much for the people I went to school with, but I enjoyed my classes all the same. My kids are growing up so fast. It's hard to believe they'll all be in school next year! Yay, maybe I can get off my butt and get a job, woot woot! Maybe I can find something around here, where I can be there to drop em off and pick em up?

I guess that's about it. We just started having fun, and it seems summer's nearly over now! I guess that's all for now. I hope you'll all join me Monday, so I can tell you all how fantabulous my appointment went! Chow!

Got my first appoitment!

2008-07-22T12:53:00.000-07:00

I finally got my call, and not too soon I assure you. I have my first appointment at OWLO next Monday. And I'm going to Frontier City that day too, I'm super excited! My first step to a better, new me!

I belong to two yahoo groups. One has been a major help to me recently. It's a group just for us lucky enough to have our surgeries at OWLO. They're there to offer support and answer questions. I've yet to see a negative comment from anyone in that group. They're all such nice, honest, open people. I don't know how many tips or tidbits of advice I've printed off from their posts. My other group is made up of people that have 100+ pounds to lose. At first these people seemed like kindred spirits to me. We talked of obstacles we faced in our daily lives. We supported each other, and we offered advice, when we had advice to give. Lately however, they seemed to have turned on me, and the one person there determined to support my decision to have a gastric bypass. I was chastised for not losing weight the "right" way. Well PARDON ME, but the "right" way hasn't worked for me! I've thought of myself as fat since I was about 12 years old. That's thanks, mostly to my family. I was 12 and had a 16 year's body, complete with curves. I look back now at the time I got clothes for Christmas at 13 and I was told I had curves, like they were disgusting and something to be ashamed of! I remember looking in my grandmother's mirror and crying because I had boobs and hips! But I also remember exactly what I looked like at 13 too. Now that I'm older, I can't believe how amazing I looked! Yes, I was only 13. Yes, I weighed more than most the other girls. But I was a smoking hot young lady! It was at 13 or 14 that my mom had me start taking Metabolife 356. Remember that stuff? It was an herbal diet pill. I lost 12 pounds on it too. Now, I look back and I'm disgusted that I was asked to take that stuff, and at such a young age!

Have I always been fat? No, I don't think so. I think I've always been a bit of the chubby side, but I look at pictures of me back then and wonder why in the world I thought I was fat! I think it's because I was TOLD I was fat, by people that "loved me," people that I trusted to know what was best for me. I look back, and I was fit, and slender, and I had curves. I had a flat stomach, and I could bench press more than a couple of the boys in my class. I wasn't a fast runner, but I was strong and steady. I wish I could have known then, what I know now. Maybe then I would have been confident too! I want that girl back. I want to be steady, and strong. I want to be slender and fit. I want to look in the mirror and see a beautiful girl, with curves, looking back at me.

Questions I got from a friend

2008-07-19T10:04:00.000-07:00

These questions are INTENSE for me. Maybe this is part of the reason I can't stick to a "diet"?

What are you afraid of?
What do you think might happen if you lose weight?
How does being fat benefit you?
What do you fear from being a normal size?

1. What am I afraid of?
Where do I start? I'm afraid of the unknown. This is what I've been for so long. What will happen when I'm no longer the fat friend? I'm afraid I'll be one of those people that can lose 150 pounds and still look in the mirror and be disgusted by what they see. I'm afraid I'll work hard, lose the weight, and still see ugly when I look in the mirror. Worse yet, I'll lose weight and still be worthless.

2.What do I think might happen if I lose weight?
I think, or at least I hope, that I'll finally be able to like myself. I think it would approve my health, as well as my life. I want to be around for a long time. I want to be a good parent for my kids. I want to be a good wife for my husband. I think, if I lose weight. I'll be a happier person. I'll be able to do fun things with my kids......go to the lake, to the amusement park, and not have to worry that they're embarrassed of having the fat mom.

3. How does being fat benefit me?
It's a hiding place. I don't have to be noticed. I don't have to come out of my comfy hiding place. It's where I'm comfortable, because it's who I have become. It's where I'm allowed to feel bad about myself. Being fat lets me hate myself.

4. What do I fear from being a normal size?
Lately, to be honest, I afraid I'll look just like my sister. She's always been skin and bones, and I personally find very skinny unappealing. The last week she was pregnant, her face was swollen, and she looked remarkably like ME. It was weird! I'm afraid, if I lose a bunch of weight, I'll look just like her. Which normally wouldn't be a bad thing, everyone thinks she's beautiful. But my husband doesn't like her, and I'm afraid if I look just like her, he might be stand offish. Other than that, I'm afraid of buying new clothes. I have a hard time spending money on myself. I feel undeserving, to say the least. Being a normal size will mean buying a whole new wardrobe, and seeing how I'm currently a size 22, it might mean doing it twice!

Ugh, I hate the tough questions.....number four wasn't so hard though! Kuddos to you all, feel free to use em yourself! Sarah

Getting Frustrated

2008-07-19T09:10:00.000-07:00

I'm getting frustrated now. With OWLO, the first step of your surgery is attended one of their seminars. I did that June 25th. There you are told that they will be submitting your surgery to your insurance company for approval. You are warned that it could take about two or three weeks before they hear back. They also let you know that SOME insurance companies have prerequisites before allowing any type of weightloss surgery. My insurance company, however, does not. They only require you to be 100 pounds overweight with one co-morbidity (health issue directly associated with your weight) or that you be 200% of your ideal body weight (you weight twice what you should). I qualify, under those terms, so they'll cover my surgery.

I followed the guidelines set by my insurance. I got the referral from my PCM. I found the place I want(ed) to have my surgery. I was approved to see the OWLO team. I called them, and did everything I can do, so far. I went to the seminar. I submitted my patient packet and insurance information. Two weeks after the seminar I hear nothing from OWLO. I call to find out, that they haven't even begun working on insurance approvals for my seminar! Fine, maybe they're busy. Later that week, I receive a call, to let me know they are about to process my insurance approval, but alas my insurance doesn't cover the type of surgery that I originally wanted. I tell them to submit the approval for a RNY. She informs me that it usually takes a few days before they hear back, but she'll call and schedule my first appointment as soon as they get the approval.

Now here's the doozie.....My insurance company approved it the same day. Eleven days ago, and I've heard nothing back from OWLO. I tried to call, and was basically brushed off, or so I feel. It's irritating. The military is going to let my husband come home for the surgery, and take care of the kids while I recover. But his unit is set to deploy soon, so it's vitally important to us that I get in there, and get this underway. I need to have my surgery, I'm guessing, sometime in September, for him to be able to take the month of leave my surgery would require to recover! I feel like they're lolly-gagging! I've done everything I can do so far! I've been exercising....mostly swimming lately. I had, at one point, given up Diet Coke, because you can't have it afterwards. I'm an emotional eater though. In my frustration, instead of binging on food, I started drinking diet coke again. I've quit many times before, so I know I can do it again, it's not exactly hard for me to do, but it takes a week or two before I stop craving it. (It's my weakness, I admit it.)

(Wow, this is long) I called OWLO yesterday.....left a voice mail.....ugh. I apologized for being a pain in the arse, but I tried to convey my urgency as well. If I can't get in there, and get my part done ASAP, I'm afraid it'll be to late and my husband won't be able to take leave. We've been apart for 23 months already. My kids and I have spent 6 weeks of that with him, and that's IT! If I don't get this done sometime in September, I'm afraid my kids will lose any chance of seeing their dad before he deploys!

I need this surgery. I'm the first to admit it. But we need to see him before he leaves for a year, again. I just wish OWLO would help me out a bit, by doing their part too. I need them to call me back, so I can set up that first appointment. I've got the money for the evaluations, and the pre-op supplements. On payday I'll have the money for the post-op supplements. I've done everything I can do.....it's their turn, right?? If I don't have an appointment by the 25th of July, I'm afraid I'm going to have to look elsewhere to get this done. I was really looking forward to having this done with OWLO, but I'm getting frustrated.

current weight: 292 pounds =(

Bariatric Surgery

2008-07-16T21:37:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted in a LONG time. Like 9 months or something. I've gained MORE weight now. It's nauseating. I can't stand it anymore! I've been approved to have a gastric bypass. My insurance covers it, I'm just waiting for my first appointment. I'm hoping to have the surgery no later than September. I need to lose about 150 to be happy with my weight I think. I don't think I'd like to lose any more than 170 pounds though.

I'm so sick of being fat! I'm tired of working my butt of, to lose 15 pounds, only to gain over 20 back when I lose heart. They're going to let my husband come while I recover, so that's a plus. At least I'll get to see him.

I guess that's all I've got to say today. I'll probably start posting more though. I know it's been forever. I want to say Hi, to all my readers in the past. Thanks for the support you had shown me!

Sarah

and the weight continues to come off

2007-11-14T12:53:00.000-08:00

I was honestly shocked when I hopped on the scale this morning. I didn't expect change. After all, I ate lots yesterday, but tried to make decent choices. And I didn't exercise, per say. But I lost another pound today. My main goal in weighing myself today was to make sure it didn't go UP. I went grocery shopping and I stocked my fridge with all the normal stuff I'd normally eat, but It's also CRAMMED full of fresh veggies.....with my 290 dollar grocery bill to prove it! Instead of snacking of empty calories I'll have loads of fresh veggies to choose from. My goal is to eat them all before they go bad, ha ha. Like today, we had sandwiches for lunch. I had lots of lettuce on mine, and opted for carrot sticks instead of chips. Maybe I can actually do it this time?

Starting weight: 277
Current weight: 275
short term goal: 250
long term goal: 165

Back in the saddle again.

2007-11-13T10:34:00.000-08:00

I moved back in August, and I haven't blogged since then. Things have really gone downhill weight wise. My stress, while still there, is less than it ever was in Germany. But now I eat out more, because I can, and things have gone from bad to worse. My clothes are tight again, and I hate that. My husband's coming home in 18 days, and the holidays are right around the corner, so it's going to be tough, but I can do it. With Paul home I'll be able to exercise some more, and that will help. I've also requested that my church start thinking about offering low cost aerobics or exercise classes with child care for the women in the area. I could probably afford either or, but I can't hack gym membership fees and a sitter. I also found this great new website. (www.weightlossbuddy.com) You can sign up for free, and they have some really neat tools that I think will help. You can also become a premium member for 40 bucks a year. I'm gonna give the free memebership a go and see what happens. I might treat myself to a premium membership for Christmas or something. I've got their calendar thing going, and left myself some wiggle room. I would like to lose 2 to 3 pounds a week. I'm really hoping this will help keep me on track. I lose focus easily, and I need help staying motivated. This site also connects you to other people trying to lose weight. You have the option to be "buddies" through email, over the phone, or in person. I wanted to get the word out, because there aren't many women in my area that have signed up for it, and those who have haven't logged in for months now. Even so, the neat little tools are worth checking it out.

Well, I'm offically starting over at 276.0 (one pound down from yesterday!) I hope those of you out there that were reading and commenting now, will come back again. You encouraged me and helped me when I'd had a bad week. Thanks so much for your support! Sarah

A first.......

2007-08-04T11:40:00.000-07:00

For the first time since I decided it was time to lose the weight.....I gained. I gained 2.5 pounds this week. It's not unexpected, but it is a bit depressing. 2.5 pounds wouldn't be so bad, if it didn't put me right at 100 pounds to lose to hit my goal. Oh hum. Moving has got me in a tizzy. My sister plans to help when I get home. We're gonna walk a lot, and the apartment I've got waiting has a little "fitness center." Meaning a treadmill and a stationary bike, ha ha ha ha. Anyway, I'm hitting it seriously in a couple weeks. I should be home in less than 14 days now. Still don't have an exact date though.

starting weight: 274.5
current weight: 266.0
short term goal: 250
long term goal : 165 ( or so)

week 7!!!!

2007-07-28T12:21:00.000-07:00

Today marks the beginning of week seven. It also marks my biggest weekly loss yet! Down 3.5 pounds this week! Bringing my total to 11 pounds. I've reached double digits! Go ME!!! I'm now less than a hundred pounds from my goal!

starting weight: 274.5
current weight: 263.5
short term goal: 250
long term goal: 165

11 pounds down, 97.5 pounds to go!

snuck on the scales

2007-07-24T01:22:00.000-07:00

I snuck back up on the scales this morning. I know, I'm such a cheater! ha ha

I'm down another pound though! Motivation comes in small packages. Happy Tuesday every body!

Sarah

Weigh in for July 21st

2007-07-21T07:43:00.000-07:00

Well today is my fifth weigh in. I almost forgot! I usually get up, brush my teeth, go to the bathroom and weigh myself immediately after that. But, in all the packing, I didn't see my scale first thing this morning. So after breakfast I remembered, OMG it's Saturday morning! I jumped on the scale and believe it or not......it went down again! Yay for me! I lost 1 1/2 pounds this week. I'm so excited. I've been so busy this week, trying to decide what to do to get home as fast as possible. Maybe it was going downstairs to do all the laundry? Anyway, I'm 1.5 pounds closer to the short term goal of 250. I've decided that my short term goals so just go down to the next 25 pound mark. Once I hit to 250, my short term goal will go down to 200, then 175, and so on. You can see progress that way. I've lost so much of my 25 pound goal, as opposed to I've lost this much of my 110 pound goal.

starting weight - 273.5
current weight - 267.0
s/term goal is - 250
l/term goal is - about 165 or so

6.5 pounds down, 17 to go!

already stressing

2007-07-15T15:05:00.000-07:00

Thanks so much Christine! It's gonna be rough while I get moved, but a whole day eating airline food, I might lose five pounds the week I fly. I'm already stressing about a 9 hour flight with four little ones. Wish me luck and keep your fingers crossed for me! I'm hoping it happens ASAP. The sooner the better.

We're getting the family pass to the zoo! Unlimited zoo entrance, for a year, for two adults and up to five kids, for 60 bucks. I've been to a few zoos and the OKC zoo is by far the best I've ever been to. I'm looking forward to it! And there's the lake to go swimming. In my opinion better than the pool, more private! We're gonna go the the Omniplex too! It's like this huge science museum for kids. There's nothing they can't touch or play with! And I'd be chasing them all day, lots and lots of exercise back home! I'm gonna be keeping my niece on the weekends, so you'd better believe you'll find us at the zoo! And maybe one day my mom can keep the grandbabies and my sister and I can hit the amusement park, and maybe go out that night! I haven't been out to the club in a long long time. I love playing pool and watching all the drunk people try to dance! So, I'm thinking that with some healthy food choices the weight will just melt off! I'm hoping it will at least. I'll get to go to my brother's ballgames, and maybe join a gym if I can find a regular sitter. Who knows, this time next year I might just be a size 10. Wouldn't that be nice?

I have a rough weight goal of 160 pounds. I'm not bothered too much about my weight, because I've always weighed more than people the same size as me. I would like to see the scale dip back under 200 for sure! I have a size goal. I would be perfectly happy as a size 10 or even 12. I'd be tickled pink if I could hit a size 8. I don't think I'd want to be any smaller than that though. Anyway. I'll keep you posted. If you don't hear from me for a bit, it's probably cause I'm not in Germany anymore, and I'm trying to get settled back home. Thanks for the comments, they keep my spirits up!

week 4's weigh in

2007-07-14T06:50:00.000-07:00

It's been a rough week for me. I've been beyond stress so the scale didn't move this week. I'm okay with it, surprisingly. At least it didn't go up! So, I'm still 268.5 today. I don't know how well I'm gonna do over the next month or so. It's going to be hectic around here. I got approved for an EROD (Early Return of Dependants) this week. So, it's gonna be crazy trying to get moved back home. I've got to get moved home and find a place for me and the kids to stay. Busy busy time ahead of me! If I can get through it without gaining I'll be happy.

starting weight:274.5
current weight:268.5
short term goal: 250
long term goal: 160

no gym today

2007-07-09T12:15:00.000-07:00

I didn't get to go to the gym again to day. Something came up last minute. But I did do some cleaning today. I know that doesn't quite suffice, but I was on my feet and that's something. I haven't had much of an appetite today. Around four I sat down with a bowl of tomato soup. It's nine now, I think I'll have some cream of wheat as soon as I put the kids to bed.

I am definitely going to the gym on Wednesday though! I'm tired today, so maybe it's a good thing I didn't get to go?

weigh in number three (loosing motivation)

2007-07-07T03:20:00.000-07:00

Weigh in number three. The numbers are low, but they still went in the right direction. It's actually quite surprising! I kind of took the week off. I went to the gym Monday. Slacked off because of my knee. Wednesday was the fourth, so daycare wasn't open. They didn't have an appointment for yesterday, because of a field trip. I couldn't afford to get them in all day. Okay, on to the weight loss, as small as it is. I'm down 1/2 a pound this week. Making my total 5 pounds in three weeks. I suppose it's time to put things back into gear this week. Wish me luck. Hope everyone has a nice weekend!

Purple's a pretty color, right?

2007-07-02T14:45:00.000-07:00

I slacked off at the gym today. Bad Sarah, I know. I didn't even want to go to be honest. I made myself go. But, I have a legitimate reason, honest!

I fell last night, trying to get into the tub. The boys had taken a bath earlier, and there was soap or something in the bottom of it. And the tubs are high here! I don't know what's up with that, but it's like a two foot step to get into the thing! It's so retarded. Anyway, I started the shower and tried to step in it, slipped and slammed my right knee on the tub. It's a really pretty purple today!. Hurts like hell, and I limped on a treadmill for about 45 minutes and called it quits. Not a great day.

Anyway, hope everyone else had a decent Monday! Sarah

weigh in, number two

2007-06-30T14:11:00.000-07:00

Okay, so today was my second weigh in. I've lost another 3.5 pounds! Bringing my total to 4.5 pounds in two weeks.

I'm really sore from yesterday. My thighs hurt, but it's not too bad. My chest hurts like crazy though! Those muscles have never hurt before! I'm too sore to even do the "happy dance." So I'm gonna need you guys to do that part for me. Maybe I can "happy dance" tomorrow?

Anyway, that's todays update! Enjoy your weekend! Sarah

Dog tired!

2007-06-29T10:57:00.000-07:00

I was at the gym for three whole hours today! I have blisters on the balls of my feet now. :(

I jumped on the treadmill for about 15 to 20 minutes. Had to get the sweat pouring, ha ha. I moved on to weights after that. First I tried the computerized ones. They all have instructions on them. They even show the muscle groups they target. You hit this green button and do one rep, or push until you're comfortable. The machine sets the weight for you, and you do 12 reps. Then it says "Congratulations," shows you how often you hit your range of motion, and asks if you want to do another set. I tried some of the other kind too, you know the ones with the pulleys, and the pins to choose your weights. I much prefer the computerized ones! They're awesome! You can up or lower the amount of weight you're using with the touch of a button AND it will give you tips, such as, "release slower." At the end of your reps, it will tell you total weight lifted, and that's always rewarding! So, I did some leg curls, and some leg raises. Then moved on to my arms. Then I did about a mile and a half on the treadmill, and 5 miles on a bike. Then I moved on the the ab machine. I did that several times. My stomach is still a bit sore, but it feels good at the same time. Weird how that works, huh? Anyway, after that I jumped on the bike for another five miles, and ended the afternoon with another mile on the treadmill. It was nice to have that much time to myself, but I don't think I'll be spending three hours in the gym again, until I'm in better shape. I'm gonna stick to my hour and a half. It feels better!

Besides the blisters on the balls of my feet I feel great. I'll probably be stiff and sore in the morning, but I've got a couple days to get over that, before I go back. All in all, a pretty good day! I hope you all enjoy your weekend! Sarah

Comments on comments

2007-06-28T14:28:00.000-07:00

There is this really nice guy that was at the gym Monday. He gave me the run down on the treadmill. They always have someone there to show you how to use the equipment and such. They're actually really nice. 95% of the equipment is pretty new too. The treadmills will adjust your incline or your speed if your heart rate gets too high. (You can set your target HR, and the treadmill does what it has to, to get you there and keep you there. The weight machines are computerized too. They have all sorts of things! I'm sure I'm gonna have to have someone show me the ropes on the weight machines. It's been a long long time since I've lifted weights. Anyway, I'll be careful, and be safe, ha ha!

Thanks for the concern.

eating less

2007-06-28T02:31:00.000-07:00

You've probably noticed that I've stopped keeping Food Logs. It was just tiresome to me. Instead I've just tried to make a conscience effort to eat better, and eat less. Before, if we had Taco Bell for lunch or dinner, I would have the Taco Salad, and maybe some cheesy fiesta potatoes! probably at least a thousand calories! Yikes. Now, if the kids want Taco Bell, I just make better choices. Lately I've taken to bean burritos with no red sauce. I got to eat out, but didn't gorge myself with empty calories. I wanted Chinese for my birthday. Instead of telling myself no, I just hand one plate of beef and broccoli. I used to munch until it was nearly gone.

So, tomorrow is my four free hours to myself day, ha ha. I'll probably get about three or three and a half to spend at the gym. I asked, in my yahoo group, if I should do weights, or the treadmill first. Someone told me I should use the weights, to the point of exhaustion, and then jump on the treadmill. I'm not sure I agree with that. If I'm already exhausted, I'm not likely to spend the rest of the time working out. I want to have fun, as well as workout. I think I may work on the weights a little bit before and after.

Well, I'll post tomorrow and let you know how everything goes. And I've got my weigh in on Saturday morning. I'm keeping my fingers crossed! I'd like to see it go down at least a couple more pounds. It'd be really nice. So good bye until tomorrow, or the next day. As soon as I'm able to post again! (And wish me luck!!) Sarah

Cheated in a good way

2007-06-26T03:25:00.001-07:00

That's right, I cheated, but in a good way!

After working out, and after sending only one pound to it's deathbed this past week, I really really wanted.......strike that NEEDED to see some progress.

We interrupt this message to allow Sarah to do the "Happy Dance".

..........does the happy dance...........

Okay, so I weigh in on Saturday mornings, but I couldn't wait, I needed to see progress, and I have stomped out another three pounds since Saturday!

*pauses to dance some more*

anyway, I've been basking in my new found glory, and I'm gonna celebrate with a lemon Popsicle.

bye everyone! Sarah

Thoughts for June 25th

2007-06-25T07:22:00.000-07:00

I went to the gym for the first time today. At first, I felt out of place. I was by far the biggest person there. But, the place what generally empty, and the guy showing me the equipment was nice. So, I jumped on a treadmill and went at it for awhile. The sweat was pouring and I was wishing I'd had my MP3 player. (I can't wait to get it) Anyway, I walked about 1 1/4 miles in half an hour. My legs felt like rubber, but my "me time" wasn't over, so I situated myself on a stationary bike. I'd gone nearly 4 1/2 miles on that, when my half hour was up and it was time to go. I feel really good now. I wish I could go more often. I've got plenty of daycare left for June (I only get 20 hours a month) seeing how today was the first day I've used it. I got them in for Friday, so I asked if they had any extra hours. Luckily they did, so I get four hours Friday. After that the kids will go for two hours, three times a week. I thought I would use my Wednesdays to do weight training, and my Monday and Fridays to use the treadmills and stuff like that. I'm really hoping to see the scale go down at least 2 or 3 pounds on Saturday. I really need to see some progress. It, above anything else, will help me stay focused and motivated!

Well, that's all for today. We're gonna turn in early, cause we have a big day tomorrow. Video teleconference with Paul! We might get a whole hour or two! How cool would that be?

stuff for June 23rd!!!

2007-06-23T02:35:00.000-07:00

First, today was my first weekly weigh in! I lost a pound! Go me! Even though today is day two of "Uncle George's" visit, I still lost a pound! Pardon me, while I do the happy dance............

............does the happy dance...........

Okay, now other news. Today is my birthday! I'm 25 now! Yeah, go me, ha ha. Unlike some of my counterparts, I kinda like getting older. I don't think I'll mind turning thirty in five years. Might be kind of nice.

So, again, I know this is short, but I'll post later and let you know how I did. Can I "cheat" a bit for my birthday? I kinda want Chinese today..........maybe I can over come that particular craving?

Thoughts for today

2007-06-22T09:47:00.000-07:00

So I was feeling down in the dumps yesterday, so you all noticed. I gained a pound, bummer. But then, every girls favorite visitor called on me this morning. Somehow I don't feel so bad anymore! Besides, it could have been worse! I could have gained 2 pounds, ha ha!

So, with "Uncle George" in town this week, I know why I've been so hungry. It's easier to head off when you know they're coming. Grapenuts, with a packet of Splenda, does wonders for curbing your munchies!

Now, I know this is short, but you'll have to excuse me.....I'm gonna go share a bag of 98% fat free kettle corn with my kids! Night everyone!

Thoughts for June 21st

2007-06-21T12:39:00.000-07:00

Today has not been good. We had Burger King for lunch. I did eat onion rings and half my junior whopper.....no mayo. And then we did a frozen pizza for dinner. I was bummed out. I weighed myself two day early. I had decided to weigh myself on Saturdays, but I NEEDED to see progress. I haven't been going full stem, but I've made little changes. And I've gained a pound! I wanted to cry. I felt, scratch that, FEEL like a total failure!

Today I haunted the grocery store for healthy snacks, because I snack a lot! I found a lot of little things. I grabbed two boxes of those 100 calorie pack, the Oreo ones. I had one pack as a snack, and then my kids found them........they're gone now. I also have a weakness for ice cream. Nearly everything here is freezer burned though, and what's not isn't good for you! Instead I bought some frozen strawberries and fat free cool whip. It was cold, and sweet, and it was pretty darn good as an after dinner dessert. I also grabbed me some of those rice cakes. Quaker makes some really yummy, low cal ones. We like the apple cinnamon and caramel ones!

Okay, so starting next week, I've got my kids enrolled in some hourly care here.....finally. Next week I could only get them in twice, but after that they're going three times a week, for two hours. I'm gonna use the time to go to the gym for an hour and a half. I'm hoping that it will help. I've also decided to start taking my diet tech again. It helps me control my appetite. And I think I need something like that to help take the edge off my cravings.

I'm so tired of being fat! I hate being fat! I don't know how many times I've tried to do something about it, but I just can't get motivated. When nothing happens I get discouraged. When I let myself down I turn to food to help comfort me. My husband's not here to turn to. I don't really have any friends here to help. Food's all I've got, and I'm used to that. I hate it, but it's a comfort zone for me. I want to change it, but I don't have the willpower to work hard at it. I just want to cry!

Well it's getting to be bedtime here, so I'm gonna rap this up. I know this is depressing, but it's what I'm feeling today. I'm pathetic, I know.

Thoughts for today, June 20th

2007-06-20T17:00:00.000-07:00

I think I did a lot better today! I didn't do as much on my Gazelle, I stopped after a mile. But I did to a lot of house work today, including scrubbing my floors.....that counts for something, right? I ate better today. I still ate more than I should probably, but I made better choices. I had this pasta veggie chicken thing for lunch. My kids love it, and it's reasonable on calories and low fat. I don't care for the chicken in it though, so I just have the pasta and the veggies. Then for dinner I made a meatloaf and garlic cheese biscuits. I shouldn't have had the biscuits I know, but they're soooo yummy! Anyway, I've decided that when I loose a full dress size, I'm going to treat myself to something pretty, maybe a dress. I've still got a bunch of clothes that are a size smaller than I wear now, so I don't really need a whole bunch of new stuff. When I get down a size smaller than what I've got in my closet, I'm going to treat myself to a whole outfit (or two) and a good belt. I've decided when I get down to where I can shop in the misses department that it will probably be time to dip into savings for some new clothes! Which means I need to start saving more now. I'd like to be able to shop misses by the time my husband gets home. I've got about 4 or 5 months to do it! I'm just gonna have to work extra hard! I'll need plenty of encouragement for you all too! So keep up the comments!

Thoughts for June 20th

2007-06-20T03:29:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a wash really. I made some horrible food choices. First I had a bean burrito from Taco Bell, with NO red sauce, so I guess that could have been worse. I even managed to do a mile and a half on my Gazelle, go me! But last night I was tired, and I didn't want to cook dinner. So, we had McDonald's! (Bad Sarah! No cheeseburgers!!!!!) I got full before my meal was gone, so I stopped eating. Don't congratulate me yet though. Instead of getting up and away from the rest of my food, I left it sitting in front of me. It called to me, beckoned me. I lifted the rest of my burger, telling myself I wasn't hungry for it. But what a waste of food, said another voice! The voice of that fat lady that lives in the back of my head. I hate that woman! You paid for it, you eat it, she yelled at me! So I ate.

Afterwards I was so full I felt sick. I was angry with myself about it. You moron, said the first voice, you know, the voice of reason. You didn't WANT that. You didn't NEED that! You should have given it to Austin. (For those of you who don't know, I have an 8 year old with super duper metabolism! He eats more than me on most occasions, and he's a bean pole! I've tried to talk him into sharing some of it with me, but he looks at me like I'm crazy. Not sure why.) He would have gladly eaten it!

So, while the fat lady in my head was satisfied, I was miserable, and berating myself for the lack of willpower over my eating habits.

comment on the comments

2007-06-18T16:21:00.000-07:00

Thanks so much Cathrine! God knows I need all the motivation I can get! Tomorrow I'm going to the orientations to get my kids set to go with day care. I get some free hours because of the deployment, and a few more because my husband is junior enlisted....meaning we're in the poor house....ha ha ha. I've decided that I'm going to use them after all, I mean they're free, right? I'm gonna use the time to myself to go to the gym a couple times a week! I'm absolutely hoping to lose an impressive amount of weight before he gets home. I meant to start the day he left. I did start three or four times, but it always ends quickly. I don't know if I'm just not motivated, or what. Personally I think it's a lack of self esteem and will power. But I've decided I NEED to do it, and I need to do it now. I have a two year old daughter, and I don't want her growing up, hearing me talk negatively about my body. I'm afraid it will give her some weird complex.

thoughts for June 18th

2007-06-18T16:15:00.000-07:00

Well today wasn't awesome, but I guess it could have been worse. I did a mile on my Gazelle, but my feet were hurting, so I got off of it. Then we ate out for dinner, fried chicken. I only ate one piece though! (I usually have two.) But then we got up, out of the house and when to the fest. (German carnival) where I walked for an hour and a half! Go me.

It's late here now, but I'm thinking about staying up until my bid on eBay ends. I need to win, ha ha. If that's the case, I may just go another mile or so on my Gazelle.

So, like I said, fried chicken....probably not great......but I DID move, and that's something, isn't it?

Thoughts for June 16th

2007-06-16T15:32:00.000-07:00

I know I didn't write yesterday, but things were a little bit hectic. So I guess I'll start there. We had a birthday party yesterday. It was lots of fun, watching them open gifts and seeing how excited they were! I did really really well, seeing how ice cream is usually a weakness for me. They'd picked out Bryers peach ice cream, and it was really really good. However, believe it or not, I only had about a quarter cup, 1/2 a serving! I'm so proud of me. Moderate portion, but I still got to have some. I also had a little tiny piece of cake. It was half a piece, but it was too sweet for me, so I didn't finish it. All in all, I think I did really well, all things considered. I weighed again this morning, so I could start tracking things every Saturday. I lost a pound from yesterday! So not too bad. Today was good too, as far as what I ate. We had salmon patties for dinner,and family favorite. I always pig out of them, and eat at least four or five, if not more. Tonight, I only ate two of them! Go me! Go me! Go me! We wanted to go to the park today, and I was prepared to walk the track a few times. It started to rain as we pulled in though, so it was a no go. I looked around for that new pill Alli, but I guess AAFES isn't going to sell it. I think it's bogus, but it's cool. Instead I'm going to make a doctors appointment and ask about Orlistat. I know that Tricare covers it up, I looked it up last night. I'm not entirely sure that I'll be able to take it though. I'm on a fairly high dose of Wellbutrin, and they might be worried about drug interactions. I'd like to give it a shot though! It might be just the boost I need.

Okay, I've got some comments here, and load on my Yahoo! Group, about my 15 pound goal. Apparently they think it's a bad, and even unhealthy, idea. It's kind of funny, all those contestants on "The Biggest Loser" can lose over a hundred pounds in 12 weeks, but it's unhealthy for me to lose more than 3 pounds a week. I've changed my mind, and I think I'm gonna aim for 10 pounds by the first instead. That's still five pounds a week, and I know most of it will be "water weight" but that's okay. After the first, my goal is 10 to 15 pounds a month. I'd really like to lose a considerable amount by November. My husband will be coming home from Iraq then, and I'd really like to feel good about myself when he gets here. 10 to 15 pounds a month will be 40 to 60 pounds by the time he gets home! That would be really awesome! Is this goal realistic? I'm gonna need a lot of help and support from anyone willing to lend some! Even if it's BAD SARAH!!! NO COOKIES!!! Ha ha ha

Thanks so much!

Food log for June16th:

breakfast:nada.....I know this isn't good, but I'm just not a breakfast person! If I do have breakfast it just makes me really hungry all day long! I've got some oatmeal though, I'll give that a whirl.

lunch: 6 inch veggie sub (yummy)

dinner: two salmon patties, less than one cup mac n' cheese

snack: 2 homemade cookies (BAD SARAH! NO COOKIES! Ha ha ha)

comment on comments

2007-06-16T07:13:00.000-07:00

I don't have so much a "weight" goal, as a "size" goal. My short term goal would to be able to shop in the misses department again. My long term goal would be to be a size 10. I don't want to be rail thin, and I have no desire to say goodbye to ALL my curves. I want to be able to keep up with my kids. I want to live a long healthy life. I don't want to be one of those girls that everyone suspects is anorexic. I just want to be me. I want to be able to chase my babies at the park without losing my breath. I want to be able to play tag with my older two. I just want to be healthy. I want to feel good. I want to feel, dare I say it.....sexy, when I'm with my husband. I don't want other people to see me and think fat anymore. I don't want my children, or my husband, to be ashamed of me.

I just want to be me again! I'm not extremely thin, but I'm not fat either.

Thoughts for June 14th

2007-06-15T01:40:00.000-07:00

June 14th, wow! My twins are two years old today! That means cake and ice cream tomorrow! I promise to try to be sensible about it. Can I claim that it's still just baby weight? I mean there ere two of them! Too bad they weighed more than I gained. (They weighed 6lbs. 10 oz. and 5lbs. 14 oz. I only gained 6 pounds.) Oh, I know, I'll blame it on the c-section! Okay, so after yesterday I was a disgusting cow today. But enough is enough! Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I'm going to challenge myself. I've always been competitive. I tried to get a "biggest loser" challenge going over here. The Battalion FRG leader was going to try to get the MWR involved. I haven't heard back, but I'm not waiting anymore. I bought a decent scale and I'm tipping 275! (I weighed in today at 274.5) I challenge myself to lose 15 pounds by July 1st! That's realistic, right?

P.S. No food log today, it's just gross and I can't face it!

Thoughts for June 13th

2007-06-15T01:39:00.000-07:00

I've been at this "healthier me" thing for a week now. I'd like to say, "WOW! Way to go me!" But I don't feel "wow", I feel "blah." I haven't been making healthy choices as often as I should. I've completely stopped exercising already! I could sit here and make excuses; it's been raining, I've been busy, I'm just too tired. It's crap. Every last excuse is crap. When I sit back and take a good hard look at myself, I'm forced to face the fact that "I just don't care." Do I want to be healthy and fit? Yes. Do I deserve it? No. Do I want to feel good about myself? Yes. Do I deserve it? Absolutely not! I have a horrible self image. I always have. Would I like for that to change? You bet. The question is will I let it? To take pride in the way I look would require self worth. That's something I lack entirely. I'm 25 years old and can not take a compliment! They're either lying, drunk, or making fun of me! When my husband says I'm pretty or that he thinks I'm beautiful, it genuinely makes me angry. My whole life I as no one, I was nothing. I don't deserve to be thin. I don't deserve to be able to dress up and turn a head or two. I'm ugly. I'm plain. And I'm fat! This is what has to change first for me. But how to you change a truth that you were raised with? I was told, or made to feel, that I was nothing. I was unimportant. I didn't matter, there are more important things (like my beautiful thin sister, for example). While I honestly know better now, I still revert back to that. Growing up, food was my friend. My only friend. Food doesn't reject you. Food doesn't laugh at you behind your back. Fat is who I am. It all but defines me. While I hate being over weight, subconsciously I can't turn my back on it. It allows me to hate myself. I want to feel good and I want to feel good about myself. How do I make it okay?

Food Log for June 13th

2007-06-15T01:37:00.000-07:00

breakfast: cheese and crackers

lunch: meatloaf leftovers

dinner: 2 bean burritos

snack: milkshake and cheese tator tots

exercise: non existant

I'm sliding down the slippery slope of depression, this has got to stop now!

Thoughts for June 12th

2007-06-15T01:36:00.000-07:00

I was really stressed out this weekend. I had cleaned my house Sunday and it was looking presentable. Now anyone that knows me and my kids knows that it didn't last. By Monday morning it was completely trashed again! I got the boys up and made them start with their room. The twins helped me in the kitchen. By the afternoon the house was nice again, so we made cookies. Well, as tradition in my house, the boys had made messes again today. It's a wonder I'm overweight at all! Running around like I do. We went to the commissary. The boys really enjoyed baking cookies, so I thought we'd back some for Paul and his buddies to send down range. But they had to get into the M&M's and stuff we'd bought to put in the cookies. Oh well, I guess not making cookies will keep me from eating them!

Food Log or June 12th

2007-06-15T01:35:00.000-07:00

breakfast: none

lunch: BK, I felt horrible afterwards

dinner: meatloaf and scalloped potatoes