awesome people

Being big, or fat, or chubby, or pleasantly plump.....whatever you want to call it.....has always brought me in contact with fairly negative people. I know lots of people that have weight loss surgery suffer with a bout of depression at some point afterwards. It's probably even fair to say that most of them do. I've had some serious fights with depression over the years myself. While I didn't know then, how to handle it, I think I've made some fairly good strides, and I'm more equipped to deal with it now.

Overweight people deal with negativity on a daily basis. We're masters of our own self destruction. We're better than most at putting ourselves down. It makes us feel better, as morbid as that sounds. We might be fat, but at least we know it. I've actually prided myself in being able to admit that I'm fat. I mean, I have a mirror, and I'm not delusional, right? Obese people build a wall up around themselves. The longer they're overweight, or the more they weigh, the faster the wall goes up. It's a safety feature, we create. If someone insults us, or we get that "look" from a stranger, we can easily say it's THEIR problem. We know we're fat. We know we're unhealthy. You're the idiot for thinking we don't notice. You're Captain Obvious for pointing out something EVERYONE can clearly see!

Losing the weight, undoubtedly destroys that wall. I think depression is a result for the time it takes to find something else to replace it. For me, I find it impossible to believe that anyone could find my attractive. While I love my husband to death, and always will, perhaps he's out of his mind for wanting to be with someone like me. I don't like myself, and I can't remember I time when I have. I've always been down on me, because it made it hurt less when other people did it. I'm sure I'll find it hard to find myself worthy of new clothes when the time comes. Although I will undoubtedly need them. I have a hard time justifying spending money on myself now. I'm always thinking, well one day soon, I'm gonna go on a diet and lose weight. Then I will have bought these jeans for nothing. Of course, the next thing I know, the jeans are a wee bit too tight!
I'm prepared to have trouble adjusting to the new me. The me without a brick wall that keeps me safe from the insults of others. It's going to be tough, it's something I've always relied on. The whole point of today blog, is what I think I've found to replace my wall of self loathing. I plan to surround myself with awesome people! My husband, who loves ME, who could care less what I weigh. My mom, who bless her heart, is trying so hard to be positive about what the future holds for me now. My mother in law that, while we have our differences, will tell me I look like I've lost a few pounds, even when I've gained five! (Ha ha ha ha) And, of course, the people at OWLO. (Oklahoma Weight Loss Options) The people I met Monday, could not have been nicer. My surgeon was sweet, understanding, honest, and took an obvious interest in me as a person. The financial consultant was funny, and instructive. (And I forgive her for having to take my picture for my medical charts, ha ha ha ha.) Even the lab tech wore a happy smile on her face!

I think, as awesome as all those people were, my biggest source of comfort, will be people just like me! I met the nicest woman while I was waiting for my lab work to be done. She was 7 months post-op and had already lost 100 pounds. She was excited for me, and she was encouraging. Talking to her only got me more excited about my future on, what other post-ops call, the losing side! This woman offered her advice, her encouragement, and her sympathies to a complete stranger! I'm kicking myself for not getting, at the very least, her name. She'll never know what an inspiration she was to me! I was excited about my surgery before talking to her, but she has alleviated any fears, or doubts I may have had! I can only hope I'll run into her at some of the support groups. You can rest assured I'll be attending any and all that I can!

I'm sure I'll get nervous, as September approaches. For now though, I'm much to excited about it all! I told the woman I met Monday, that the same thing happened with my c section. I was so big with my twins that I was just ready. I didn't get nervous until they wheeled me into the OR. The same thing applies here. I'm just so ready for this change, for the help, that being nervous or anxious has taken a backseat for now. September 16th will be here before I know it. I can't see wasting that time worrying about something that's going to change my life, for the better! Right now, I'm going to be excited, and count my blessings. Thank God for AWESOME PEOPLE!!