Thoughts for June 13th

I've been at this "healthier me" thing for a week now. I'd like to say, "WOW! Way to go me!" But I don't feel "wow", I feel "blah." I haven't been making healthy choices as often as I should. I've completely stopped exercising already! I could sit here and make excuses; it's been raining, I've been busy, I'm just too tired. It's crap. Every last excuse is crap. When I sit back and take a good hard look at myself, I'm forced to face the fact that "I just don't care." Do I want to be healthy and fit? Yes. Do I deserve it? No. Do I want to feel good about myself? Yes. Do I deserve it? Absolutely not! I have a horrible self image. I always have. Would I like for that to change? You bet. The question is will I let it? To take pride in the way I look would require self worth. That's something I lack entirely. I'm 25 years old and can not take a compliment! They're either lying, drunk, or making fun of me! When my husband says I'm pretty or that he thinks I'm beautiful, it genuinely makes me angry. My whole life I as no one, I was nothing. I don't deserve to be thin. I don't deserve to be able to dress up and turn a head or two. I'm ugly. I'm plain. And I'm fat! This is what has to change first for me. But how to you change a truth that you were raised with? I was told, or made to feel, that I was nothing. I was unimportant. I didn't matter, there are more important things (like my beautiful thin sister, for example). While I honestly know better now, I still revert back to that. Growing up, food was my friend. My only friend. Food doesn't reject you. Food doesn't laugh at you behind your back. Fat is who I am. It all but defines me. While I hate being over weight, subconsciously I can't turn my back on it. It allows me to hate myself. I want to feel good and I want to feel good about myself. How do I make it okay?