and the weight continues to come off

I was honestly shocked when I hopped on the scale this morning. I didn't expect change. After all, I ate lots yesterday, but tried to make decent choices. And I didn't exercise, per say. But I lost another pound today. My main goal in weighing myself today was to make sure it didn't go UP. I went grocery shopping and I stocked my fridge with all the normal stuff I'd normally eat, but It's also CRAMMED full of fresh veggies.....with my 290 dollar grocery bill to prove it! Instead of snacking of empty calories I'll have loads of fresh veggies to choose from. My goal is to eat them all before they go bad, ha ha. Like today, we had sandwiches for lunch. I had lots of lettuce on mine, and opted for carrot sticks instead of chips. Maybe I can actually do it this time?

Starting weight: 277
Current weight: 275
short term goal: 250
long term goal: 165

Back in the saddle again.

I moved back in August, and I haven't blogged since then. Things have really gone downhill weight wise. My stress, while still there, is less than it ever was in Germany. But now I eat out more, because I can, and things have gone from bad to worse. My clothes are tight again, and I hate that. My husband's coming home in 18 days, and the holidays are right around the corner, so it's going to be tough, but I can do it. With Paul home I'll be able to exercise some more, and that will help. I've also requested that my church start thinking about offering low cost aerobics or exercise classes with child care for the women in the area. I could probably afford either or, but I can't hack gym membership fees and a sitter. I also found this great new website. (www.weightlossbuddy.com) You can sign up for free, and they have some really neat tools that I think will help. You can also become a premium member for 40 bucks a year. I'm gonna give the free memebership a go and see what happens. I might treat myself to a premium membership for Christmas or something. I've got their calendar thing going, and left myself some wiggle room. I would like to lose 2 to 3 pounds a week. I'm really hoping this will help keep me on track. I lose focus easily, and I need help staying motivated. This site also connects you to other people trying to lose weight. You have the option to be "buddies" through email, over the phone, or in person. I wanted to get the word out, because there aren't many women in my area that have signed up for it, and those who have haven't logged in for months now. Even so, the neat little tools are worth checking it out.

Well, I'm offically starting over at 276.0 (one pound down from yesterday!) I hope those of you out there that were reading and commenting now, will come back again. You encouraged me and helped me when I'd had a bad week. Thanks so much for your support! Sarah

A first.......

For the first time since I decided it was time to lose the weight.....I gained. I gained 2.5 pounds this week. It's not unexpected, but it is a bit depressing. 2.5 pounds wouldn't be so bad, if it didn't put me right at 100 pounds to lose to hit my goal. Oh hum. Moving has got me in a tizzy. My sister plans to help when I get home. We're gonna walk a lot, and the apartment I've got waiting has a little "fitness center." Meaning a treadmill and a stationary bike, ha ha ha ha. Anyway, I'm hitting it seriously in a couple weeks. I should be home in less than 14 days now. Still don't have an exact date though.

starting weight: 274.5
current weight: 266.0
short term goal: 250
long term goal : 165 ( or so)

week 7!!!!

Today marks the beginning of week seven. It also marks my biggest weekly loss yet! Down 3.5 pounds this week! Bringing my total to 11 pounds. I've reached double digits! Go ME!!! I'm now less than a hundred pounds from my goal!

starting weight: 274.5
current weight: 263.5
short term goal: 250
long term goal: 165

11 pounds down, 97.5 pounds to go!

snuck on the scales

I snuck back up on the scales this morning. I know, I'm such a cheater! ha ha

I'm down another pound though! Motivation comes in small packages. Happy Tuesday every body!

Sarah

Weigh in for July 21st

Well today is my fifth weigh in. I almost forgot! I usually get up, brush my teeth, go to the bathroom and weigh myself immediately after that. But, in all the packing, I didn't see my scale first thing this morning. So after breakfast I remembered, OMG it's Saturday morning! I jumped on the scale and believe it or not......it went down again! Yay for me! I lost 1 1/2 pounds this week. I'm so excited. I've been so busy this week, trying to decide what to do to get home as fast as possible. Maybe it was going downstairs to do all the laundry? Anyway, I'm 1.5 pounds closer to the short term goal of 250. I've decided that my short term goals so just go down to the next 25 pound mark. Once I hit to 250, my short term goal will go down to 200, then 175, and so on. You can see progress that way. I've lost so much of my 25 pound goal, as opposed to I've lost this much of my 110 pound goal.

starting weight - 273.5
current weight - 267.0
s/term goal is - 250
l/term goal is - about 165 or so

6.5 pounds down, 17 to go!

already stressing

Thanks so much Christine! It's gonna be rough while I get moved, but a whole day eating airline food, I might lose five pounds the week I fly. I'm already stressing about a 9 hour flight with four little ones. Wish me luck and keep your fingers crossed for me! I'm hoping it happens ASAP. The sooner the better.

We're getting the family pass to the zoo! Unlimited zoo entrance, for a year, for two adults and up to five kids, for 60 bucks. I've been to a few zoos and the OKC zoo is by far the best I've ever been to. I'm looking forward to it! And there's the lake to go swimming. In my opinion better than the pool, more private! We're gonna go the the Omniplex too! It's like this huge science museum for kids. There's nothing they can't touch or play with! And I'd be chasing them all day, lots and lots of exercise back home! I'm gonna be keeping my niece on the weekends, so you'd better believe you'll find us at the zoo! And maybe one day my mom can keep the grandbabies and my sister and I can hit the amusement park, and maybe go out that night! I haven't been out to the club in a long long time. I love playing pool and watching all the drunk people try to dance! So, I'm thinking that with some healthy food choices the weight will just melt off! I'm hoping it will at least. I'll get to go to my brother's ballgames, and maybe join a gym if I can find a regular sitter. Who knows, this time next year I might just be a size 10. Wouldn't that be nice?

I have a rough weight goal of 160 pounds. I'm not bothered too much about my weight, because I've always weighed more than people the same size as me. I would like to see the scale dip back under 200 for sure! I have a size goal. I would be perfectly happy as a size 10 or even 12. I'd be tickled pink if I could hit a size 8. I don't think I'd want to be any smaller than that though. Anyway. I'll keep you posted. If you don't hear from me for a bit, it's probably cause I'm not in Germany anymore, and I'm trying to get settled back home. Thanks for the comments, they keep my spirits up!

week 4's weigh in

It's been a rough week for me. I've been beyond stress so the scale didn't move this week. I'm okay with it, surprisingly. At least it didn't go up! So, I'm still 268.5 today. I don't know how well I'm gonna do over the next month or so. It's going to be hectic around here. I got approved for an EROD (Early Return of Dependants) this week. So, it's gonna be crazy trying to get moved back home. I've got to get moved home and find a place for me and the kids to stay. Busy busy time ahead of me! If I can get through it without gaining I'll be happy.

starting weight:274.5
current weight:268.5
short term goal: 250
long term goal: 160

no gym today

I didn't get to go to the gym again to day. Something came up last minute. But I did do some cleaning today. I know that doesn't quite suffice, but I was on my feet and that's something. I haven't had much of an appetite today. Around four I sat down with a bowl of tomato soup. It's nine now, I think I'll have some cream of wheat as soon as I put the kids to bed.

I am definitely going to the gym on Wednesday though! I'm tired today, so maybe it's a good thing I didn't get to go?

weigh in number three (loosing motivation)

Weigh in number three. The numbers are low, but they still went in the right direction. It's actually quite surprising! I kind of took the week off. I went to the gym Monday. Slacked off because of my knee. Wednesday was the fourth, so daycare wasn't open. They didn't have an appointment for yesterday, because of a field trip. I couldn't afford to get them in all day. Okay, on to the weight loss, as small as it is. I'm down 1/2 a pound this week. Making my total 5 pounds in three weeks. I suppose it's time to put things back into gear this week. Wish me luck. Hope everyone has a nice weekend!

Purple's a pretty color, right?

I slacked off at the gym today. Bad Sarah, I know. I didn't even want to go to be honest. I made myself go. But, I have a legitimate reason, honest!

I fell last night, trying to get into the tub. The boys had taken a bath earlier, and there was soap or something in the bottom of it. And the tubs are high here! I don't know what's up with that, but it's like a two foot step to get into the thing! It's so retarded. Anyway, I started the shower and tried to step in it, slipped and slammed my right knee on the tub. It's a really pretty purple today!. Hurts like hell, and I limped on a treadmill for about 45 minutes and called it quits. Not a great day.

Anyway, hope everyone else had a decent Monday! Sarah

weigh in, number two

Okay, so today was my second weigh in. I've lost another 3.5 pounds! Bringing my total to 4.5 pounds in two weeks.

I'm really sore from yesterday. My thighs hurt, but it's not too bad. My chest hurts like crazy though! Those muscles have never hurt before! I'm too sore to even do the "happy dance." So I'm gonna need you guys to do that part for me. Maybe I can "happy dance" tomorrow?

Anyway, that's todays update! Enjoy your weekend! Sarah

Dog tired!

I was at the gym for three whole hours today! I have blisters on the balls of my feet now. :(

I jumped on the treadmill for about 15 to 20 minutes. Had to get the sweat pouring, ha ha. I moved on to weights after that. First I tried the computerized ones. They all have instructions on them. They even show the muscle groups they target. You hit this green button and do one rep, or push until you're comfortable. The machine sets the weight for you, and you do 12 reps. Then it says "Congratulations," shows you how often you hit your range of motion, and asks if you want to do another set. I tried some of the other kind too, you know the ones with the pulleys, and the pins to choose your weights. I much prefer the computerized ones! They're awesome! You can up or lower the amount of weight you're using with the touch of a button AND it will give you tips, such as, "release slower." At the end of your reps, it will tell you total weight lifted, and that's always rewarding! So, I did some leg curls, and some leg raises. Then moved on to my arms. Then I did about a mile and a half on the treadmill, and 5 miles on a bike. Then I moved on the the ab machine. I did that several times. My stomach is still a bit sore, but it feels good at the same time. Weird how that works, huh? Anyway, after that I jumped on the bike for another five miles, and ended the afternoon with another mile on the treadmill. It was nice to have that much time to myself, but I don't think I'll be spending three hours in the gym again, until I'm in better shape. I'm gonna stick to my hour and a half. It feels better!

Besides the blisters on the balls of my feet I feel great. I'll probably be stiff and sore in the morning, but I've got a couple days to get over that, before I go back. All in all, a pretty good day! I hope you all enjoy your weekend! Sarah

Comments on comments

There is this really nice guy that was at the gym Monday. He gave me the run down on the treadmill. They always have someone there to show you how to use the equipment and such. They're actually really nice. 95% of the equipment is pretty new too. The treadmills will adjust your incline or your speed if your heart rate gets too high. (You can set your target HR, and the treadmill does what it has to, to get you there and keep you there. The weight machines are computerized too. They have all sorts of things! I'm sure I'm gonna have to have someone show me the ropes on the weight machines. It's been a long long time since I've lifted weights. Anyway, I'll be careful, and be safe, ha ha!

Thanks for the concern.

eating less

You've probably noticed that I've stopped keeping Food Logs. It was just tiresome to me. Instead I've just tried to make a conscience effort to eat better, and eat less. Before, if we had Taco Bell for lunch or dinner, I would have the Taco Salad, and maybe some cheesy fiesta potatoes! probably at least a thousand calories! Yikes. Now, if the kids want Taco Bell, I just make better choices. Lately I've taken to bean burritos with no red sauce. I got to eat out, but didn't gorge myself with empty calories. I wanted Chinese for my birthday. Instead of telling myself no, I just hand one plate of beef and broccoli. I used to munch until it was nearly gone.

So, tomorrow is my four free hours to myself day, ha ha. I'll probably get about three or three and a half to spend at the gym. I asked, in my yahoo group, if I should do weights, or the treadmill first. Someone told me I should use the weights, to the point of exhaustion, and then jump on the treadmill. I'm not sure I agree with that. If I'm already exhausted, I'm not likely to spend the rest of the time working out. I want to have fun, as well as workout. I think I may work on the weights a little bit before and after.

Well, I'll post tomorrow and let you know how everything goes. And I've got my weigh in on Saturday morning. I'm keeping my fingers crossed! I'd like to see it go down at least a couple more pounds. It'd be really nice. So good bye until tomorrow, or the next day. As soon as I'm able to post again! (And wish me luck!!) Sarah

Cheated *in a good way*

That's right, I cheated, but in a good way!

After working out, and after sending only one pound to it's deathbed this past week, I really really wanted.......strike that NEEDED to see some progress.


We interrupt this message to allow Sarah to do the "Happy Dance".

..........does the happy dance...........

Okay, so I weigh in on Saturday mornings, but I couldn't wait, I needed to see progress, and I have stomped out another three pounds since Saturday!

*pauses to dance some more*

anyway, I've been basking in my new found glory, and I'm gonna celebrate with a lemon Popsicle.

bye everyone! Sarah

Thoughts for June 25th

I went to the gym for the first time today. At first, I felt out of place. I was by far the biggest person there. But, the place what generally empty, and the guy showing me the equipment was nice. So, I jumped on a treadmill and went at it for awhile. The sweat was pouring and I was wishing I'd had my MP3 player. (I can't wait to get it) Anyway, I walked about 1 1/4 miles in half an hour. My legs felt like rubber, but my "me time" wasn't over, so I situated myself on a stationary bike. I'd gone nearly 4 1/2 miles on that, when my half hour was up and it was time to go. I feel really good now. I wish I could go more often. I've got plenty of daycare left for June (I only get 20 hours a month) seeing how today was the first day I've used it. I got them in for Friday, so I asked if they had any extra hours. Luckily they did, so I get four hours Friday. After that the kids will go for two hours, three times a week. I thought I would use my Wednesdays to do weight training, and my Monday and Fridays to use the treadmills and stuff like that. I'm really hoping to see the scale go down at least 2 or 3 pounds on Saturday. I really need to see some progress. It, above anything else, will help me stay focused and motivated!

Well, that's all for today. We're gonna turn in early, cause we have a big day tomorrow. Video teleconference with Paul! We might get a whole hour or two! How cool would that be?

stuff for June 23rd!!!

First, today was my first weekly weigh in! I lost a pound! Go me! Even though today is day two of "Uncle George's" visit, I still lost a pound! Pardon me, while I do the happy dance............

............does the happy dance...........

Okay, now other news. Today is my birthday! I'm 25 now! Yeah, go me, ha ha. Unlike some of my counterparts, I kinda like getting older. I don't think I'll mind turning thirty in five years. Might be kind of nice.

So, again, I know this is short, but I'll post later and let you know how I did. Can I "cheat" a bit for my birthday? I kinda want Chinese today..........maybe I can over come that particular craving?

Thoughts for today

So I was feeling down in the dumps yesterday, so you all noticed. I gained a pound, bummer. But then, every girls favorite visitor called on me this morning. Somehow I don't feel so bad anymore! Besides, it could have been worse! I could have gained 2 pounds, ha ha!

So, with "Uncle George" in town this week, I know why I've been so hungry. It's easier to head off when you know they're coming. Grapenuts, with a packet of Splenda, does wonders for curbing your munchies!

Now, I know this is short, but you'll have to excuse me.....I'm gonna go share a bag of 98% fat free kettle corn with my kids! Night everyone!

Thoughts for June 21st

Today has not been good. We had Burger King for lunch. I did eat onion rings and half my junior whopper.....no mayo. And then we did a frozen pizza for dinner. I was bummed out. I weighed myself two day early. I had decided to weigh myself on Saturdays, but I NEEDED to see progress. I haven't been going full stem, but I've made little changes. And I've gained a pound! I wanted to cry. I felt, scratch that, FEEL like a total failure!

Today I haunted the grocery store for healthy snacks, because I snack a lot! I found a lot of little things. I grabbed two boxes of those 100 calorie pack, the Oreo ones. I had one pack as a snack, and then my kids found them........they're gone now. I also have a weakness for ice cream. Nearly everything here is freezer burned though, and what's not isn't good for you! Instead I bought some frozen strawberries and fat free cool whip. It was cold, and sweet, and it was pretty darn good as an after dinner dessert. I also grabbed me some of those rice cakes. Quaker makes some really yummy, low cal ones. We like the apple cinnamon and caramel ones!

Okay, so starting next week, I've got my kids enrolled in some hourly care here.....finally. Next week I could only get them in twice, but after that they're going three times a week, for two hours. I'm gonna use the time to go to the gym for an hour and a half. I'm hoping that it will help. I've also decided to start taking my diet tech again. It helps me control my appetite. And I think I need something like that to help take the edge off my cravings.

I'm so tired of being fat! I hate being fat! I don't know how many times I've tried to do something about it, but I just can't get motivated. When nothing happens I get discouraged. When I let myself down I turn to food to help comfort me. My husband's not here to turn to. I don't really have any friends here to help. Food's all I've got, and I'm used to that. I hate it, but it's a comfort zone for me. I want to change it, but I don't have the willpower to work hard at it. I just want to cry!

Well it's getting to be bedtime here, so I'm gonna rap this up. I know this is depressing, but it's what I'm feeling today. I'm pathetic, I know.

Thoughts for today, June 20th

I think I did a lot better today! I didn't do as much on my Gazelle, I stopped after a mile. But I did to a lot of house work today, including scrubbing my floors.....that counts for something, right? I ate better today. I still ate more than I should probably, but I made better choices. I had this pasta veggie chicken thing for lunch. My kids love it, and it's reasonable on calories and low fat. I don't care for the chicken in it though, so I just have the pasta and the veggies. Then for dinner I made a meatloaf and garlic cheese biscuits. I shouldn't have had the biscuits I know, but they're soooo yummy! Anyway, I've decided that when I loose a full dress size, I'm going to treat myself to something pretty, maybe a dress. I've still got a bunch of clothes that are a size smaller than I wear now, so I don't really need a whole bunch of new stuff. When I get down a size smaller than what I've got in my closet, I'm going to treat myself to a whole outfit (or two) and a good belt. I've decided when I get down to where I can shop in the misses department that it will probably be time to dip into savings for some new clothes! Which means I need to start saving more now. I'd like to be able to shop misses by the time my husband gets home. I've got about 4 or 5 months to do it! I'm just gonna have to work extra hard! I'll need plenty of encouragement for you all too! So keep up the comments!

Thoughts for June 20th

Yesterday was a wash really. I made some horrible food choices. First I had a bean burrito from Taco Bell, with NO red sauce, so I guess that could have been worse. I even managed to do a mile and a half on my Gazelle, go me! But last night I was tired, and I didn't want to cook dinner. So, we had McDonald's! (Bad Sarah! No cheeseburgers!!!!!) I got full before my meal was gone, so I stopped eating. Don't congratulate me yet though. Instead of getting up and away from the rest of my food, I left it sitting in front of me. It called to me, beckoned me. I lifted the rest of my burger, telling myself I wasn't hungry for it. But what a waste of food, said another voice! The voice of that fat lady that lives in the back of my head. I hate that woman! You paid for it, you eat it, she yelled at me! So I ate.

Afterwards I was so full I felt sick. I was angry with myself about it. You moron, said the first voice, you know, the voice of reason. You didn't WANT that. You didn't NEED that! You should have given it to Austin. (For those of you who don't know, I have an 8 year old with super duper metabolism! He eats more than me on most occasions, and he's a bean pole! I've tried to talk him into sharing some of it with me, but he looks at me like I'm crazy. Not sure why.) He would have gladly eaten it!

So, while the fat lady in my head was satisfied, I was miserable, and berating myself for the lack of willpower over my eating habits.

comment on the comments

Thanks so much Cathrine! God knows I need all the motivation I can get! Tomorrow I'm going to the orientations to get my kids set to go with day care. I get some free hours because of the deployment, and a few more because my husband is junior enlisted....meaning we're in the poor house....ha ha ha. I've decided that I'm going to use them after all, I mean they're free, right? I'm gonna use the time to myself to go to the gym a couple times a week! I'm absolutely hoping to lose an impressive amount of weight before he gets home. I meant to start the day he left. I did start three or four times, but it always ends quickly. I don't know if I'm just not motivated, or what. Personally I think it's a lack of self esteem and will power. But I've decided I NEED to do it, and I need to do it now. I have a two year old daughter, and I don't want her growing up, hearing me talk negatively about my body. I'm afraid it will give her some weird complex.

thoughts for June 18th

Well today wasn't awesome, but I guess it could have been worse. I did a mile on my Gazelle, but my feet were hurting, so I got off of it. Then we ate out for dinner, fried chicken. I only ate one piece though! (I usually have two.) But then we got up, out of the house and when to the fest. (German carnival) where I walked for an hour and a half! Go me.

It's late here now, but I'm thinking about staying up until my bid on eBay ends. I need to win, ha ha. If that's the case, I may just go another mile or so on my Gazelle.

So, like I said, fried chicken....probably not great......but I DID move, and that's something, isn't it?

Thoughts for June 16th

I know I didn't write yesterday, but things were a little bit hectic. So I guess I'll start there. We had a birthday party yesterday. It was lots of fun, watching them open gifts and seeing how excited they were! I did really really well, seeing how ice cream is usually a weakness for me. They'd picked out Bryers peach ice cream, and it was really really good. However, believe it or not, I only had about a quarter cup, 1/2 a serving! I'm so proud of me. Moderate portion, but I still got to have some. I also had a little tiny piece of cake. It was half a piece, but it was too sweet for me, so I didn't finish it. All in all, I think I did really well, all things considered. I weighed again this morning, so I could start tracking things every Saturday. I lost a pound from yesterday! So not too bad. Today was good too, as far as what I ate. We had salmon patties for dinner,and family favorite. I always pig out of them, and eat at least four or five, if not more. Tonight, I only ate two of them! Go me! Go me! Go me! We wanted to go to the park today, and I was prepared to walk the track a few times. It started to rain as we pulled in though, so it was a no go. I looked around for that new pill Alli, but I guess AAFES isn't going to sell it. I think it's bogus, but it's cool. Instead I'm going to make a doctors appointment and ask about Orlistat. I know that Tricare covers it up, I looked it up last night. I'm not entirely sure that I'll be able to take it though. I'm on a fairly high dose of Wellbutrin, and they might be worried about drug interactions. I'd like to give it a shot though! It might be just the boost I need.

Okay, I've got some comments here, and load on my Yahoo! Group, about my 15 pound goal. Apparently they think it's a bad, and even unhealthy, idea. It's kind of funny, all those contestants on "The Biggest Loser" can lose over a hundred pounds in 12 weeks, but it's unhealthy for me to lose more than 3 pounds a week. I've changed my mind, and I think I'm gonna aim for 10 pounds by the first instead. That's still five pounds a week, and I know most of it will be "water weight" but that's okay. After the first, my goal is 10 to 15 pounds a month. I'd really like to lose a considerable amount by November. My husband will be coming home from Iraq then, and I'd really like to feel good about myself when he gets here. 10 to 15 pounds a month will be 40 to 60 pounds by the time he gets home! That would be really awesome! Is this goal realistic? I'm gonna need a lot of help and support from anyone willing to lend some! Even if it's BAD SARAH!!! NO COOKIES!!! Ha ha ha

Thanks so much!

Food log for June16th:

breakfast:nada.....I know this isn't good, but I'm just not a breakfast person! If I do have breakfast it just makes me really hungry all day long! I've got some oatmeal though, I'll give that a whirl.

lunch: 6 inch veggie sub (yummy)

dinner: two salmon patties, less than one cup mac n' cheese

snack: 2 homemade cookies (BAD SARAH! NO COOKIES! Ha ha ha)

comment on comments

I don't have so much a "weight" goal, as a "size" goal. My short term goal would to be able to shop in the misses department again. My long term goal would be to be a size 10. I don't want to be rail thin, and I have no desire to say goodbye to ALL my curves. I want to be able to keep up with my kids. I want to live a long healthy life. I don't want to be one of those girls that everyone suspects is anorexic. I just want to be me. I want to be able to chase my babies at the park without losing my breath. I want to be able to play tag with my older two. I just want to be healthy. I want to feel good. I want to feel, dare I say it.....sexy, when I'm with my husband. I don't want other people to see me and think fat anymore. I don't want my children, or my husband, to be ashamed of me.

I just want to be me again! I'm not extremely thin, but I'm not fat either.

Thoughts for June 14th

June 14th, wow! My twins are two years old today! That means cake and ice cream tomorrow! I promise to try to be sensible about it. Can I claim that it's still just baby weight? I mean there ere two of them! Too bad they weighed more than I gained. (They weighed 6lbs. 10 oz. and 5lbs. 14 oz. I only gained 6 pounds.) Oh, I know, I'll blame it on the c-section! Okay, so after yesterday I was a disgusting cow today. But enough is enough! Instead of feeling sorry for myself, I'm going to challenge myself. I've always been competitive. I tried to get a "biggest loser" challenge going over here. The Battalion FRG leader was going to try to get the MWR involved. I haven't heard back, but I'm not waiting anymore. I bought a decent scale and I'm tipping 275! (I weighed in today at 274.5) I challenge myself to lose 15 pounds by July 1st! That's realistic, right?

P.S. No food log today, it's just gross and I can't face it!

Thoughts for June 13th

I've been at this "healthier me" thing for a week now. I'd like to say, "WOW! Way to go me!" But I don't feel "wow", I feel "blah." I haven't been making healthy choices as often as I should. I've completely stopped exercising already! I could sit here and make excuses; it's been raining, I've been busy, I'm just too tired. It's crap. Every last excuse is crap. When I sit back and take a good hard look at myself, I'm forced to face the fact that "I just don't care." Do I want to be healthy and fit? Yes. Do I deserve it? No. Do I want to feel good about myself? Yes. Do I deserve it? Absolutely not! I have a horrible self image. I always have. Would I like for that to change? You bet. The question is will I let it? To take pride in the way I look would require self worth. That's something I lack entirely. I'm 25 years old and can not take a compliment! They're either lying, drunk, or making fun of me! When my husband says I'm pretty or that he thinks I'm beautiful, it genuinely makes me angry. My whole life I as no one, I was nothing. I don't deserve to be thin. I don't deserve to be able to dress up and turn a head or two. I'm ugly. I'm plain. And I'm fat! This is what has to change first for me. But how to you change a truth that you were raised with? I was told, or made to feel, that I was nothing. I was unimportant. I didn't matter, there are more important things (like my beautiful thin sister, for example). While I honestly know better now, I still revert back to that. Growing up, food was my friend. My only friend. Food doesn't reject you. Food doesn't laugh at you behind your back. Fat is who I am. It all but defines me. While I hate being over weight, subconsciously I can't turn my back on it. It allows me to hate myself. I want to feel good and I want to feel good about myself. How do I make it okay?

Food Log for June 13th

breakfast: cheese and crackers

lunch: meatloaf leftovers

dinner: 2 bean burritos

snack: milkshake and cheese tator tots

exercise: non existant

I'm sliding down the slippery slope of depression, this has got to stop now!

Thoughts for June 12th

I was really stressed out this weekend. I had cleaned my house Sunday and it was looking presentable. Now anyone that knows me and my kids knows that it didn't last. By Monday morning it was completely trashed again! I got the boys up and made them start with their room. The twins helped me in the kitchen. By the afternoon the house was nice again, so we made cookies. Well, as tradition in my house, the boys had made messes again today. It's a wonder I'm overweight at all! Running around like I do. We went to the commissary. The boys really enjoyed baking cookies, so I thought we'd back some for Paul and his buddies to send down range. But they had to get into the M&M's and stuff we'd bought to put in the cookies. Oh well, I guess not making cookies will keep me from eating them!

Food Log or June 12th

breakfast: none

lunch: BK, I felt horrible afterwards

dinner: meatloaf and scalloped potatoes

Thoughts for June 10th

Today was probably worse than yesterday. The true test of my willpower showed itself and I knowingly bombed. Somewhere along the line of a "not so great" childhood the lines between emotion and stress got crossed with hunger. I got mad today. I was angrier than I've been in a long LONG time. I was so upset I was shaking. And I was STARVING! Knowing tat my hunger was triggered by stress, I divulged anyway. Knowing that lines have gotten short circuited and my body wasn't hungry, I ate anyway. It was like I couldn't help myself! Granted, I wanted to binge on pizza and nachos and something greasy and deep fried. I stopped short and over ate on something relatively healthier. It's a big problem for me. I simply do not have the will power to override those instincts. Binging doesn't solve any problems. In fact, it creates another one! But it does calm me down. After I ate, I wasn't raging mad anymore. How do I get past this? If I can't stop emotional stress from triggering overeating, then I'll never lose the weight! How do I get myself over this hump? Is there a way to rewire what's messed up?

Food Log for June 10th

Breakfast= special K

lunch= lean pocket

dinner= 2 (disgusting, I know) grilled cheese sandwiches, tomato soup

snack= lean pocket

*NO EXERCISE AGAIN!!!! I need to change this!!!!!*

Thoughts for June 9th

I've come to realize that it's harder to eat right when I'm not at home. Today was the Family Fun Fair here. Nothing healthy there. Although, I did manage to stay away from the ice cream. It was only a seconds temptation, which is a new development for me. I've stopped exercising or moving the past couple days. I'm going to have to start that up again. I've also been getting tired again. Perhaps it's due to lack of exercise? I don't seem to rest as well if I haven't used any energy. It's a catch 22 for me, because now I can' find the energy to get up and move. School lets out for the summer in a few days. I need to think of some fun things to do with the kids. I just don't know where to look here. There's nothing to do! We've got one decent park and a crappy bowling alley. At least, in the states, I knew where everything was. I knew where the zoo was, how to get there, and how much it cost. I've heard there's a good zoo here in Germany, but I don't know where it is. With the exchange rate, I doubt I could afford it anyway. Back home we had the Omniplex too! Walk all day while the kids had a blast. I don't want to keep them inside all summer. I want to go do things with them. But going to the same 'ol park everyday gets boring, especially for the older two. I need to get off my butt this summer too! I can find out where the zoo is, and we could do that a few times this summer. But I'm not driving four hours, round trip, if it's too expensive. I think I'm going to put them in CDC a few hours a week and go to the gym. We all get a break from the house and I get to exercise some. I just miss home I guess. Where it was so easy to think of places to go and things to do! Where I know where everything is. I mean, just think how many miles I could walk if were spent the day at the children's museum, or the botanical gardens!

Food Log for June 9th

breakfast- none

lunch- 1/2 cheeseburger

dinner- 1 piece of fried chicken (breast) mashed potatoes/gravy biscuit

snack- sunflower seeds

exercise- walked an hour

Thoughts for June 8th

Today my thought are centered around accountability. I've tried to "diet" too many times to count. This is day five, no big deal, I know. But this is a big accomplishment for me. I have no will power, so every time I put my self on a diet I cave after two or three days. So, instead of telling myself no all the time, I'm trying to make better choices most of the time. I don't feel deprived and I'm not hungry and that's important to me. I don't like the word no. I don't like when my kids tell me no, and I don't like it when I tell me no. It would be easy to lie about what I ate or convince myself why something I shouldn't eat, is really okay. But it all comes back to accountability. I have to be accountable for the decisions I make. I can't lie to myself about what I ate, or how much. Writing it down makes it look so small sometimes, but I realized now, that grabbing food is an automatic act for me. I can grab a bag of Baked Lays, intending to only eat a handful. The next thing I know, the bag was half gone! I can't hide from myself and say I didn't eat all those! Writing this daily journal is helping in it's own way too. It's easier to see patterns and predict screw ups. Besides, when I'm writing, I'm not eating. I'm forcing myself to think about the things I'm doing wrong. It shows me how I did this. No more excuses, no more hiding. Shifting gears, today wasn't so good. We went to the movies and the junk food was calling me. It was a "date" with my kids. We ate out, snacked at the movies. It was fun, but I'm not going to do it that way again for awhile. Maybe next time we'll go bowling?

Food Log for June 8th

breakfast: none

lunch: mac n' cheese (I'd made a healthy choice meal, but it was gross.)

dinner: Chinese (one helping)

snacks: popcorn & nachos at the movies

exercise: I walked up and down the stairs to do laundry, does that count? Probably not, huh?

Thoughts for June 7th

I met someone new today. Her name is Kinnie and our husbands work together. She's one of those women that you can't help but hate. While I munched on my veggie sub, from Subway, she ate cheese pizza and cheese sticks. She's so tiny that she can shop in the little girls department! I found myself wishing I'd had a quarter of her natural metabolism. Both my sisters are like that. One thinks she needs to lose 15 pounds because she's a junior size 9! She's also 5'8'' and I think she has an amazing figure! And then my other sister is just tiny. She used to wear a junior size 3. She eats all the time, junk food, empty calories, and never gain an ounce. I could sit here and moan, complain that it's not fair. But that doesn't get me any where. This is what, day four? You don't really expect results that quick. and I don't see any yet. But I feel them! I have more energy to get up and around. I'm not pining for sleep throughout the day. And I'm sleeping better than I have in months. Okay, switching gears a bit. Have you heard about this Alli pill? I've read everything I can find online and it seems like it may be a push in the right direction for me. Of course, I'll probably need my doctor's approval first. I may just stop and speak to the pharmacist about drug interactions. Then my second concern is the price. The article I read said it would cost about 11 dollars a week. Which is reasonable. But I read on an online forum that it would cost more than that. I would like to try it, but if it's more than 50 bucks a month I won't be able to afford it. I bought some diet tech and I was taking that, but I wasn't trying to change my eating habits or exercise regime. I quit taking it when I had a bout with bronchitis a few months ago.

Food Log for June 7th

breakfast: nada

lunch: 6 inch veggie sub

dinner: healthy choice pizza

snacks: 2 bagel bites

exercise: next to none; I babysat

*note* I feel myself slipping. How do I stay on track this time. I need to make this work.

Thoughts for June 6th

I was wondering today, does the amount you swear that any correlation to the number of calories you're burning? I mean, if it does, are people sitting in saunas actually burning calories? I hear once, from a doctor, when I was in collage to drink lots of water and to drink it as cold as you could. She said that your body has to work to hear it up. I mean, I know it doesn't have to work exceptionally hard to warn it up, but work is work, and that burns calories. So, is the act of sweating itself, work? I didn't walk today, but I did move. I cleaned my house up and steam cleaned my couch. It's warming up here, so the house gets hot. And, with no A/C, I was sweating a little bit. When it comes to cleaning the couch the sweat was literally pouring off, my face. Granted it was 2 o'clock, the hottest time of the day. But sweating during exercise makes me feel like I accomplished something. Is it wrong to feel that I've "exercised" because I broke into a sweat while cleaning? I would have gone outside today, but there were storms in the forecast. I'd been procrastinating about cleaning the couch for a couple weeks. So I decided to stay inside and get some house work done. But now I feel guilty that I didn't move enough today! Okay, on to a new thought. Yesterday I wrote about a new theory I had. Well so far, so good. I woke up this morning not nearly as exhausted as I usually am! After getting Austin off to school, I finished the last few chapters of my book and then got everyone up for the day. I started cleaning the dining room up. Amazed, because I usually hate house work. I'm usually so tired I don't want to bother. After that I did the living room. It all took longer than usual because Ryan, one of my 2 year olds, broke my mop. Anyway, I made lunch and played around on the computer a little bit. After lunch I laid the twins down for a nap and got my steam cleaner out! It amazes me that I had the energy to do it all without wanting to stop! So maybe my lack of movement was upsetting my ability to sleep well after all?

Food Log for June 6th

breakfast: necterine and 1 oz. cheddar cheese

lunch: grilled chicken and swiss on wheat bread

dinner: wasn't hungry

snack: baked lays, and an italian ice cream (used to have one everyday)

exercise: housework?

Thoughts for June 5th

Today I failed miserably. Not only did I eat BK for breakfast, but bored, at 2 am, I ate. Not a small healthy snack either, but practically a meal! I had an epiphany while I walked at the park today. I have formed my own theory as to my lack of energy.I'm usually fairly lethargic most days. I don't move, I have no energy. I'm so tired most days that I can't wait to crawl into bed! I usually get 6 or 7 hours sleep, but find I wake up just as tired as I'd been the precious night. I couldn't quite figure out why. Was it stress? Anyone would have to agree that I've got more than my fair share right now. My obesity. I mean it's a known fact that heavy people are slow. Or perhaps the depression. Most people know that people that suffer from depression can't find the joy in day to day activities. You sleep to replenish your energy supply, so why am I so tired all the time? And then it hit me; you sleep to replenish your energy supply! Think about it, I was sleeping, but still waking up exhausted. Sleep isn't about stock piling energy for when you need or want it. If you're not USING any energy, you're not going to get extra overnight! Yesterday I moved, I even ran a bit. This morning, it's true I was tired. But it wasn't a "I can't barely keep my eyes open" kind of tired. I got up, got Austin off to school, and got the younger three up. We grabbed breakfast, albeit an unhealthy one, and headed straight for the park. My walk may not have been as intense as yesterday,but it was longer. Then to the PX, where I walked so more. We had a quick lunch and went back to the park. I probably should have walked, but I settled down with a decent book instead. My legs were sore and I'm getting a blister on my left foot. I did manage to play on the playground, with the kids, for about 15 minutes. I've come to the conclusion, based on my new theory, that I've got to get and move during the day if I want to feel rested in the morning. Only time will tell if my idea has any clout.

Food Log for June 5th

breakfast: BK bacon, egg and cheese crossiant, hashbrowns

lunch: 6 inch veggie sub

dinner: grilled chicken sandwich on whole wheat bun, with honey mustard and 2 slices of turkey bacon and 1 1/2 salad with balsamic salad spritz

snack: *ashamed to admit it* same as dinner, minus the salad

exercise: brisk 45 minute walk

Thoughts for June 4th

I have decided that "diet" is a four letter word. One that I'm no longer comfortable saying. Dieting feels and sounds restrictive. You can't eat this, you're not suppose to have that. I have never found the will power to say no to food. Perhaps that's why I find myself in a size 22 pant?
I lead a fairly stressful childhood. The overwhelming stress lead to depression in my early teens, perhaps even sooner. I can honestly say that I've NEVER looked in the mirror and liked what I saw. As a matter of a fact, I can remember vividly, standing in front of my grandmothers full length mirror, in tears, at 13. I had just been informed that I "had curves" like they were something ugly or vile. In my later teen years my grandmother rarely failed to mention my expanding waistline. Not knowing, that as she did so, she was driving me into the only comfort I've ever known.....FOOD. I can't just drop food and begin a dieter's lifestyle. As much as I long to be a "normal" size, my emotions rule out common sense. For the past decade I have turned to food. When I'm angry I eat. When I'm upset I eat. When I'm bored I eat. Now I am, not only unhealthy, but uncomfortable as well. I know the had come for a change, but can I do it? I, who have no will power? Me, who turns to food for comfort an a near daily basis? Yes, I think so. It's time for a change. I do not begin a diet today, but rather the path to a healthier me. One in which I do not deny myself but make better decisions. One in which I am determined to change. I want to feel good. I want to be healthy. I want to look in the mirror and like what I see.

Food Log for June 4th

breakfast: 1/2 of a Burger King bacon, egg and cheese croissant

lunch: 6 inch veggie sub, from subway

dinner: McDonald's cheeseburger kids meal ( I caved, with strawberry shake instead of a soda)

no snacks, so all in all, I suppose it could be worse......right?

exercise: alternating walking with running around the playground for 30 minutes

notes for tomorrow: No eating out! I know today was a bit hectic, but no more! Up the movement to 45 minutes, assuming it doesn't rain.